Do we though? Really, time is just an illusion. Time doesn’t even really exist, except for that which they tell you. You set your clocks to the time they say is right, and we live our lives by it. What time to be where and how much time we can spend there before being somewhere else. Our entire life is set by this time….and we often feel like there is just not enough of it in a day to get all the stuff done that needs to be done. We worry if we are spending too much time doing one thing when we know doing something else would be better. We rush from one appointment or practice/game only to have to rush back home and get sleep so we can do it all again tomorrow, and tomorrow we will still feel like we are not getting enough done. We will struggle to see that the true sense of “time” and how long we get to be here on earth, with THESE beautiful people……that is the time we are short on.
I think one of the really big life changer things for me over the last four years was the feeling that came over me the night I was on the hallway floor, begging God to give me a reason to WANT to live. I feel like most of my life I have spent off and on, in depression of some sort. I think like other illnesses, depression can go dormant but it never really leaves. It may feel “under control” but it can suck you back up in the dark pretty fast if you do not keep control of it. That night on the floor I begged God! “Please, either kill me or make me WANT TO LIVE!!!” I have always struggled with not wanting to be alive. I am still trying to fully understand that. Maybe it is an imbalance of sorts, in my brain. Maybe it is just years of not fully cleaning those wounds, so they are easily opened again. Triggered, if you will. I know in that moment I was tired of living for everyone else…because in that moment, on that floor, I would have chosen death if it was offered.
"Are you willing to live for what you believe in?"
I felt like I was just barely getting through each day. Just praying for bedtime to come because I was sore, tired and I was not “measuring up” (I am forever and always going to put that phrase in quotations because that is a crook of shit…..and I know that now!). Not in my own mind, not in my marriage, not as a mother or friend. I was just done. Leo was deployed and I was exhausted. If I could explain it better I would, but all I know is, in that moment I one hundred percent knew I was not living…..I was existing. And I was only existing because I didn’t want to put my pain on my boys. So, I woke up each day with a smile on my face and I did the things I could to be the best I could….but I was tired and I was depressed! I think God heard me in the hallway, and I believe he set in (like he always seems to do for me) and he set to work on healing my mind! My heart has never been my problem….it has been my mind that has tried killing me all these years. What I was feeding it, how I spoke to it. I was awful to myself, once I sat down and examined how I was living. No wonder I didn’t want to keep living like that. I was miserable, but never said it out loud because I didn’t want to disappoint everyone by being depressed AGAIN! If you suffer from depression, you know that feeling….where all you want is to make them happy, and be happy BUT it is just not that easy. You feel their love and their compassion and you STILL feel sad….AGAIN!! It is a crazy, emotional roller coaster! Depression is a bitch!
I think God knew where I was struggling and he really started to help me grow in those areas. That sounds so pleasant doesn’t it, like this beautiful garden with all these beautiful wild flowers. I am growing and it is a vision on the eyes…..but that is not really where we grow. We grow from the seed, from the root. And if we picture the seed and what it must go through to actually become this flower, we know it is painful.
Take the butterfly…same thing! The beauty afterwards is not where the beauty actually took place. It happens in the “goo”. So, growing in the areas I was struggling in was hard as hell. It hurt and it was painful….but it was what I needed to do to start living. One of those things I had to learn was gratitude for my health. It is VERY, VERY, VERY (one more time) VERY hard to get up each day and say thank you for a body that is too stupid to even operate correctly. It is REALLY hard guys. I felt like I was doing really well in the other areas of gratitude and self-love…..but having either of those things for a body that is failing me is harder than anything else, and I struggle more days than I am successful in that area ( but I am getting better). That is only one area of struggle, but one that I believe would be healed by opening up my mind to what health was and what this stupid body actually did for me on a daily basis.
I would start that process last year, when I went to NC. Something about that area and how beautiful it was. It really started to open up a part of my mind, it made me start to wonder….am I only living, trying to make it to a certain place? Am I living a life where I walk through each day headed toward “the best life” while watching THIS “best life” pass me by? How much time was I going to be given to “get” to this best life? Did I have enough time to accomplish all the things I needed to get done in order to attain this “best life” when it arrived? What the hell was I doing? My health played a big role in this, because although we are all dying, some of us are dying faster…..
It was a really deep revelation to me and it set into motion one of the craziest eight months to date, but the answer to those questions would also lead me to living VERY present in this moment. This one, the mundane, the routine, the fun and the boring…each moment. I believe it would be called “living like you are dying!” …….because you are! We all are!
The very second you are born, you start dying. Some of us have a shorter life, and some live well past the typical “expiration date” but we are dying, each day, none the same. It sounds so clique to say “you are not promised tomorrow” but you are not promised tomorrow, what you are promised is the now. THIS moment. Once I started truly understanding that, I felt more inclined to live more authentically to who I am. I found it easier to give gratitude for my health because although my health is not 100%, it is what allows me to live each moment. I want to make an impact on people…not necessarily the entire world, just the people walking around it. I want to inspire and I want to help others live a life that makes them feel good.
We are not promised another moment with the person sitting next to us. Whether that be a stranger or your children. You do not get a say in whether you get another opportunity to share with them what they mean to you. How they make you smile, how they make you laugh. You may never get another opportunity to change this person’s life….with a simple smile, or a kind word of encouragement. You may never get to tell them that….unless you do it now. THIS moment! The one that feels so routine and ordinary….it is the moment, right now, that could shape someone’s life! It is THIS moment right now that could set into motion a ripple effect that covers so many people, possibly YEARS down the road! What if you do not take that moment to say it, what if you let something hold you back because you are not ready right now? Is it too weird, too emotional or too personal? What if they reject you, what if they do not understand? Do it anyways……because this may be your only chance. Once you are able to live from a place of knowing that maybe tomorrow you will not be here, you live fuller in each moment, and each moment becomes THIS amazing moment.
I cry when I see the hawks and eagles in the sky. I cry….it feels that emotional to me. When a bumble bee lands next to me, I talk to it and it feels like I have made an impact somehow, on a bigger scale. Have I? Who knows, but it feels good to think that each little moment has an impact. If it is hard to look at it from such a broad view, look at it smaller, and see how it effects your mood when you have a conversation with a bee! 🐝 It just makes you feel better somehow. Like, a secret little world, where this bee has heard your words of encouragement and he is going to do big things with his life! Moments with people I love became more appreciated because they were sharing their little moments with me too. They had chosen to take “time” to be present with me. Those moments felt bigger and more meaningful. I developed relationships with people that filled up some of my missing pieces because we were present with one another. My relationship with my children grew in bounds! I connect to them, I soak them up and take all my “judgments” of them off my heart when I spend that time with them. They are such beautiful boys! My relationship with my sisters and my mother grew in ways that were unexpected but also pulled us tighter than ever, as we all struggle with life. We are there to lean on one another and encourage each other. Unfortunately, some relationships didn’t hold up, as my 16 year marriage fell apart, but I have so much gratitude for the moments we created while together. What a wild ride! I love Leo, and always will…..but sometimes when you stop and think about the time limit and think about wanting to live fully in each moment, you want those moments to feel joyful. My marriage did not feel that way. Not to me and not to Leo. To truly live in the moment, we have to also be honest about if those things you fill your moments with are fulfilling you?
"Do not just slay your demons, dissect them and see what they have been feeding on!" - The Man Frozen In Time
So in conclusion, I say be sure to make “time” for all the things that fill you up. Yes, I know….we have to work, and clean the house. We have things we “have” to do in life that may be less than fun, but you can choose to find joy in those things as well. You get to choose each moment and how that will impact your core memories. You get to write your own story…what is it going to say? When you are no longer here, where will your loved ones look for you? I hope mine see me everywhere! I hope the impact I leave continues to impact others many years down the road, so I am going to be sure to make those impacts count NOW! Now is the only moments that really matters. What are you feeling? Where do you put your energy? What do you give power to? What do you make “time” for in your days? Do those things bring you joy?
I think it was only in the finally NOT wanting to die, that I was able to see the pure joy in really living. Not existing, not just going through the motions, but creating emotions within my life. Feeling all the things, good and bad. Regular and amazing. The simple moments that somehow became so much more than just small moments….they became my life! I am truly blessed!
"It always comes down to just two choices....get busy living, or get busy dying" - Shawshank Redemption
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