I was staring into space and Zachary asked me “What are you thinking about mom?” I laughed and said “It may be easier to tell you what I am NOT thinking about….” I went on to insured him that he probably did not really want to know what I was thinking. It was a lot of stuff…..He took his earbuds out (which means business) and he said “No, mom, I want to know.” So I told him. I told him everything, and I cried and cried. Since becoming single, I don’t really have anyone that asks me about my day (who am I kidding, no one asked me when I was married either!) or what is on my mind (except FB…lol) So, I let it all out.
I am an over thinker, so there is no lack of things to think about. I mean, my mind is always thinking about something. The problem comes when I think about all of it at once. All the thoughts filling my head, and making me feel all the things at once. I can detach fairly easily. I see the patterns in others behaviors and I can pull away from people that consistently choose to be hateful, but when I love, I love BIG. Loving BIG is hard because most people do not love big, I mean, if we are honest, most people don’t even know how to be loved at all. When you choose to love someone BIG, to me this means, loving them from where they show up. So, if they show up damaged and broken….I love their damaged and broken self. If they show up angry, I love them angry. If they show up hurt, I love them while they are hurting. But I have found that most people do not give this same kind of love to others. This makes me sad.
"Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field. I'll meet you there!" - Rumi
I choose to love big even though I know it will probably never be returned. Everyone is my favorite, and I am no one’s favorite. I try to be ok with this but it hurts. I try not to focus on the “why” I am no one’s favorite….but in reality, I wish just one person would choose me. Choose me as their favorite. But they don’t and that is just what it is. What hurts is when people I love purposely choose to do things that are hurtful. The intentions behind their actions always come to light. I can feel it….when it comes to my children, that is where it hurts the most. How do you sleep at night knowing you are treating CHILDREN badly so you can make a point? Why do you choose to interact with everyone else about their kids and never ask about mine? Why would one choose to watch two beautiful young men grow up in front of their eyes and never engage in who they are becoming? But you will gush over other people’s kids. I mean, it is hurtful enough when people who are supposed to love you ignore all the things you are fighting through. Never offering support or encouragement. Never checking in. Never reminding you of all the good you are, even though you have done that for them, but when they start doing that to your children…..that is where my heart hurts.
I told Zachary all of this. How it hurts and how I feel like it is done intentionally, which hurts even more. I told him how it is sad to watch relationships come to an end. I lost my husband, and my best friend all within a year of each other. I feel sad. I feel let down because I tried telling them what I needed, I tried asking them for the kind of love I needed….and they chose to withhold it from me. I talked about how I want to tell people how I feel and how they have hurt me, but they already know…that is why they do it. For a reaction. So why waste my breath? Why tell them over and over when they can never self-reflect? They will never be able to see it from my point of view because that would mean admitting they had not behaved right. That would mean accepting their own negative bullshit, and no one wants to do that these days. Always blaming others for the way they behave.
"Sometimes the right way to love, is to leave." - K. Tolnoe
I told him how tired I am and how my health seems to keep trying to stop me, but that I always feel the need to power through. Always pushing until my body pushes back, but what is the alterative? What do I do? I have to push, I have to be able to support us. I have to be able to provide for us. I have no time to be sick and even less time to worry about if I am getting more sick (I am…I can feel my body changing). It all worries me. I do not mind feeling all the feelings….but when I feel them all at once, it is overwhelming. He sat there and listened to everything I said. He got up and held me when I was crying. He told me it would all be ok (and he is right), and then he said this “We need to do something that makes you happy. What makes you happy? What about massage? That makes you happy. Or what about baking for others? That always makes you happy!”
I cried even more! These things do make me happy! But they are all pouring……I cannot pour right now. I am empty. I have nothing to pour into others. I love massage, but every massage I give, I pour my good energy into them. I give them my good stuff. I try to act as a conduit of sorts, so that I am not draining myself, but it is still pouring. When I bake and create, it is a very real part of me in each gift. I make mailboxes for my family at Christmas time, each month a little gift to open, a piece of me….only my mom tells me how much she loves them. Every month she reaches out to say how much it means to her. That is a part of me, wrapped up for someone else….and they barely notice. I obviously do not do it for the thanks, but I would love to know how the gift makes them feel. I pour and I pour and I pour….never to be poured into. Some people won’t even ACCEPT my pour. They literally just shut me out. How sad is that? To live as a person that all I want to do it pour into others, and they reject your love. They are never filled no matter how much you pour, each one a colander. When will I learn? When will I find balance in what I give?
This sweet boy held me while I cried, and then he said….”I will pour into you mom. I will give you a massage.” And he did. He rubbed my hands and I cried. I don’t like leaning on my boys and pulling love from them. As parents we are suppose to be the pourer, not the cup. They need us to pour beautiful things into tem. I felt a little guilty unloading all my thoughts on him. I do not want him to carry my burdens, but at the same time, it felt so comforting to know that someone wants to pour into me too. Later he showed me a project he was working on for school, a one pager that talks about him. He had to come up with two different quotes and one he picked was a Maya Angelo quote that said “If you cannot change it, change your attitude about it.” He said it made him think about me and how I am always telling them stuff like that. It made me cry again….thinking about how I am impacting my children. How by pouring into them is impacting who they are becoming. It was a great reminder that I am not doing all this in vein.
"To be in your children's memories tomorrow, you have to be in their lives today." - Barbara Johnson
After my hand massage I went and sat by myself for a bit. I never want to become bitter. I never want to feel like loving another person is a detriment to my own health, but I have got to stop pouring into colanders. I have to stop searching for people that can never love me back. I have to stop trying to convince people that my love is a good love. When I talk about love I am not referring to a romantic love…I have no time for that right now. I have no time for another person in my life. I enjoy my solitude and I have no plans on giving that up…when I talk about love, I mean just your every day, really big and amazing kind of love. A love that tells you how amazing you are, even when you are not at your best. The kind of love that reminds you that you are still growing but then reminds you of how far you have come. A love that allows you to show up in every moment as your authentic self, and loves you as that person, but also loves the person they know you can be. It is a crazy kind of love, but it is the only way I know how to love.
"the heart gets confused when it's constantly told Ilove you by the same person who destroys it..." - r.h.Sin
In a conclusion to my mental break….I have determined that loving big, and pouring into others so fully, is not the problem. Pouring into those that do not appreciate you, that is the problem. Pouring into those that will never be filled up, is an endless battle, and it will leave you drained and empty. Their holes cannot be filled by your love. They must repair those holes before your love (no matter how big) will impact them. Big love scares people, especially people who are not use to being loved so authentically, and that is a whole bunch of people these days. So many people that are afraid to be vulnerable because they have been hurt by love too many times. They are guarded, they live very protected. This does not mean I will not love the broken, they are my people. I gravitate to people who are broken. I love to love people who feel unlovable, but I will not continue to pour into those who do not repair their holes, for it drains me. It makes me feel like I am doing something wrong. As if I am not loving them right. As if I am the problem somehow. I start to feel like I failed in my purpose…like, if they do not eventually feel loved then I must have failed at what I am supposed to be doing here. It is the worse feeling ever. I refuse to keep repeating the same mistakes.
"As water reflects ones face, so one's life reflects the heart." Proverbs 27:19
I poured 17 years into a man that says he never felt loved by me!!! SEVENTEEN years!!! I poured SEVEN years into a friendship that didn’t respect my illness or hold any compassion for my struggles within my illness! I have poured endless love into family members that could care less if I am even around. They literally make no effort to be a part of my life. NONE! They do not try to know my children, or me. I refuse to keep carrying the weight of those that cannot hold substance. I am not going to keep pouring into people who make a CHOICE not to pour back into me. I want people in my life that want to be around my big love. I want people that are excited to be filled up by my energy, that light up when they see me. The ones that hold me a little tighter when they hug me and message me at random times to tell me they love me. I want people in my life that want me in theirs, I want to be needed and I want to be seen. I think it is a very basic need, but I think many will struggle to meet it…and that makes me sad. Because it hurts to let them go, but it is killing me to try to hang on.
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