Belonging: an affinity for a place or situation.
Affinity: a spontaneous or natural liking.
These definitions really struck me as beautiful when I started writing this blog. A spontaneous liking for a place or situation. What a beautiful way to describe what it feels like to belong. There is no effort in belonging, there just is. It happens naturally and it happens without trying. I have never felt this way. Like I just naturally fit somewhere. I have and still do feel the need to dull myself down a little for people. I sense an overwhelming feeling of “Staci, you are a little too much…” every time I am with people, ANY people. These people do not “make” me feel this way, because we all know by now that no one makes you feel anything, you choose how you feel. I am trying very hard to work through that right now.
I have learned over the last few years that all of life’s problems usually come down to, three different choices once you rationalize them. First choice…don’t like it, leave it. In order words, if your job sucks, find another. If your relationships are bad, walk away. If people cannot respect you, find new people. The second choice is….fix it. Put the work in and figure it out! The third is simply learn that this is the situation you are in and learn to deal with it. This sense of never belonging anywhere, it is really the same. I cannot walk away, duh. So that was an easy one to count out. I can however go inward, and I can try to understand where that feeling is coming from. My forties have been all about awakening a part of myself that I never fully understood. It has been a journey FOR SURE but it has been one that has allowed me to see parts of myself in a new light.
I am not really sure how to explain the feeling I am talking about when I say I don’t feel like I belong anywhere but I would say it is exact opposite of the feeling above, the beautifully natural way you feel when someone really knows your soul and loves you anyways. That feeling of being known. I feel unknown….that is the best way of putting it. Many people think of belonging as “fitting in” with a crowd, but for me belonging is so much more. It is about someone knowing you, really knowing you, and still thinking you are cool. To be known would feel like someone wants to hear your thoughts and ideas, they want to listen to your stories and when you smile, they are happy that you are happy, and that makes you even more happy which in turn makes them EVEN more happy…and the cycle goes on and on for eternity! That kind of known. I want that….
I have been on an amazing journey since I turned forty, no doubt. Amazing!!!! It is all one about self-discovery and self-love. I am so enjoying this trip, but it have taken some serious shadow work to get me here. I had to really dig in there and find out WHY I feel the things I feel. Because when I tell you I am loved, I do not mean an average, ordinary kind of love. I am loved so bigly!!! Being loved has never been an issue for me. In fact, except for my father, I was surrounded by a very loving family and home. I also have an insurmountable amount of people that are not my family, but they are. They love me so much and they step up and into my life when I need them to. I am so blessed by them. They love me and they love spending time with me. This is NOT about them. For instance, let’s take the spa!
My Favorite Place Spa is seriously my favorite place to be! Ya know why? I not only get to impact people’s lives through massage but I do it with a group of ladies that will always and forever, from this moment forward, by my family. I massage my clients, I impact their physical and mental health. I can feel the impact I am making. I feel like I am making a difference, and that is probably the closest I have come to feeling like I am known….my clients. It feels like they get me. They feel my energy and they approve of that energy, and in the end isn’t that all we really are? Energy? So if my clients leave my room feeling good, and feeling touched in a positive and beautiful way, that is like them knowing me. Doing this kind of work in the place I get to do it, is only by the grace of God and I will stand by that. Working for Misty was a year in the making and for me to finally be there and feel so loved and supported is a blessing that could only come from a divine source. I love going to work and I love how it feels being there….it really is my favorite place to be. The people I get to be there with, they are total icing on my cake.
"If I do but one thing today may I be human sunshine for someone" - butterfly rising
Another favorite place for me to be, and a place I feel SO loved….is anyplace with my children. Man, if I did only one thing right in this life, it would be those boys. They are such beautiful souls. They really do love me and they care about me. We have so much fun together. Friday nights we build a fort and watch movies in there (I sometimes sleep but they have not caught me yet) we play football outside and always have music playing. Being with them feels effortless. It feels fun and it feels like God knew just what he was doing when he gave me these two souls to raise up. I love spending time with them and I think that has been the biggest struggle for me with the divorce. I was the main caregiver for the boys their entire lives and to have to split time with Leo, I see them less. I also see them less because I have to work. I was so blessed to be able to stay home with my kids while they were small and I wish I could still be there for every game and every practice but life had different plans and now we adjust. Leo is stepping into that role beautifully and I think we will come out the other side ok, but I miss them. I feel like they know me the most. Of everyone out there, the boys know me the most. My good, bad, ugly, weird, and SUPER weird….they have seen me at my worst and they see me at my best, and they still love me the same either way, they are my favorite people!
"...and she loved a little boy very very much, even more than she even loved herself." - Shel Silverstein
I am so loved, but I only mention this because I want to make sure we understand, being loved and feeling like you belong somewhere…in my opinion, is not the same. I think being loved is a choice people make. You make the choice to love, it comes from a place of free will and you choose to give it, and you choose to receive it. It is a choice….but belonging is a feeling. It is something you gotta feel. I really wasn’t sure how to deal with these feelings, because you almost feel bad saying you don’t feel like you belong because then people think they are not showing up for you in their best way. But it isn’t about others because I just told you about many people in my life that love me and show up for me in amazing ways. Feeling like you do not belong is not about how others make you feel, it is how you feel about yourself. How well do we know ourselves? How long can we sit with ourselves before we need to fill the space? How can we ask others to know us and accept us, if we are not willing to do the same for ourselves?
It is all about balance in what things I ask others to accept, and where my toxic behaviors need repairing. It is about learning to accept the very weird in myself that I want others to accept. It is about being vocal in what I will tolerate and what I will not. Boundaries. If you set clear boundaries about what your expectations are, and someone cannot honor that, they leave. Plain and simple. Feeling known and feeling like you belong is all about learning to love yourself so hard that, those doubts about if you are enough fall away, because you know you are enough for yourself and in the end that is the only person that you need to belong with. If you walk with belonging, you belong everywhere you walk. If you walk knowing who you are, and knowing what you bring to the table, you walk known. For knowing these things, knowing your own worth and your own talents. Knowing where your gifts can serve others (and yourself) best, that is being known.
"We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves be deeply seen and known." - Brene Brown
People do not make me feel unknown, I have felt unknown my whole life because I refused to get to know myself. I kept asking myself to be what I thought I was supposed to be, and I was losing a big part of who I was. These last few years I have worked really hard at being more authentic, being more intentional about who I am, and how I impact others. I have done THAT work, and now I can sit in the understanding that being known is not an outside job. To belong somewhere means I must allow myself to be known as my authentic self. That may come with some rejection, when your true self irritates the fake in others. That may come with some people not having a place in your story, but walking a true authentic life will most definitely allow you to belong in the places you were made to belong. It will help direct you into the places you ”fit”, where you are needed. Walking authentic gives the universe a chance to get to know you and when the universe knows you, watch out. It will move all mountains out of your path to ensure you are walking known.
Walking known is a direct result of self-love, and self-love is very new to me. I know a lot of people who have met me over the last few years have a total different perspective about who I am than those who have known me a long time. The person I was back then (even just a year or two ago, really….but also years and years ago), she is different….but she is the same. I am still learning though. I am learning that I don’t have to dull myself down to belong, I need to shine brighter. I am learning I do not have to play myself as “annoying” just because I get excited about stupid things like birds and the sky. I am trying to give myself grace when it comes to my social anxiety and understand that most people feel out of place and awkward these days. We are all trying to find our footing, and learn the best way to live a best life. I get very emotional, and I am sensitive. Not just to what you say but to your energy. I can feel what your feeling, and I respond to that….not your actions. I sometimes have a hard time getting my words to match the thoughts my brain is trying to say, and I stammer around the words like drunk ABC,s. None of the words making any sense but knowing exactly what I am trying to say. I am learning that it is ok to not know the answer or to ask for help. I am not stupid….
"But the thing is, even if I could go back, I wouldn't belong there anymore." - Ccz
This is a hard one for me still. My friend had to call her husband to come help with something. I asked her if she was afraid to call and ask him for help. Not physically afraid but like, nervous. She look at me like I had three heads, and said of course not. I got home and cried. I cannot remember the last time I asked Leo for help without being made to feel as if I was an idiot, or I must have somehow done something wrong….I would go over and over the conversations in my head before talking to Leo about projects that needed done. I knew he would either be mad that he had to do them so he would be angry (angry men scare men….) or he would make me feel stupid for thinking that my idea was a good, and rattle off all the things wrong with it , never once validating my creativity. He had a way of staring at me while I was talking with this confused look on his face the entire time. As if I was speaking in tongue. I still find myself speaking quietly or mumbling because I am almost afraid to vocalize my opinion in fear of feeling stupid, or sounding like an idiot because my words are not saying what my brain is trying to say.
Learning these things about myself and not trying to change them….that is my walking known. I know one day I will find that place I belong, until then I am going to go ahead and go with option three, my situation is that I am a bit weird, and I am emotional and sensitive. I do write with ease but trying to actually speak is a challenge for me. I have wild and crazy ideas that don’t always work out the way I planned, but when they do, they are spectacular. I love all winged creatures and speak to little insects. I love everyone and everything. Each
moment is a new moment to love life and I plan on doing that in a big way. I say weird shit and I don’t really fit in too well….but I stand our marvelously!
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