I remember it like it was yesterday. I had just finished doing all the qualifications to start subbing for the school district. It seemed like the best next step. I could make some extra money, and still stay involved in the boy’s life in the same capacity as I had always done. This seemed the best way to not disrupt their lives too much. . Let me be clear, it was NOT what I WANTED to do, but it seemed the best thing for everyone…except me, because it was NOT what I wanted to do.
That was when I realized what I was doing....what I always did. I was thinking about what was best for everyone else and how it would be a benefit to them. I was trying to stack the deck so that everyone was “happy”, except I left out the most important person….me! 😉 This is nothing new to my life, I have done it for most of my life. I know what others want, I can feel that (you are allowed not to believe that, and I still love you….but it is true, I feel what you are feeling!) so I try to be sure to make them feel what they want. This is a part of what would actually lead me to massage therapy school, but it was a part of me I had abused for so long that I was still functioning from an unhealthy place. It is a gift to feel what others feel. To understand their grief, pain or happiness in such a deep way, is a gift….but if you do not know how to also give yourself the same, you are abusing it.
"It is not noble for you to fall to pieces while you take care of everybody else" - Allegra Sinclair
It becomes about making others happy, which we all know is not possible, so it then leads to you always feeling like you let everyone down. It leads to you becoming bitter that you did all of this for them, and they still were not happy. If I have learned anything through this process, it is, that the way to fix that is to give fully of myself, no expectations. Not doing things to “make others happy” but instead “be happy making yourself happy, and others will be happy too”. I asked for a divorce about three years into my “awakening”, so understanding what I was doing was easy to spot and I knew it right away. Although there is most definitely nothing wrong with subbing, and the school district definitely needs good subs, and there is also no question I would make a great sub. I love these kids so much and I try to impact their lives in a positive way. To do that on a bigger level would be amazing….but I knew it was not giving me those “excited” butterflies. It was making me sick thinking about it!!
Thinking about a new class every day, a new routine to teach, a new school to navigate, a new set of kids. I am a routine, structure kind of person. Although I am a bit feral 😁, I need structure. It was making me so sick, thinking about subbing. Also, I am the kind of person that wants to connect on a deep level with people, children are no different. I consider all kids, my kids! I love your child as my own and I want to impact them, in a beautiful and profound way. I am not sure the public school system gives teachers/sub an opportunity to do that in the way I want. After going to all the training…..it just sounded so “not personal”. All the rules and all the “you cannot”. I get protecting children and teachers (and this was before COVID), but teachers are one of the most influential parts of a child’s life. They should be able to get personally involved in these kids’ lives. The system has taken so much away from the potential these teachers have. It felt like I would be stifled in who I “could be”. Watching your social media exposure and watching what you say. Not "stiring the shit pot..." Sounds AWFUL! Haha
I have learned over the last few years to sit with my feelings. I feel a lot, so this can be overwhelming sometime, but it is so needed. To ensure you are coming from the best place, sit with what all of your emotions are telling you. You do not have to stay there. Those feeling may not be true, but they ARE valid and they deserve your attention. If you are ever to heal the feelings, you have to understand them first. When I sat with everything I was feeling I KNEW, subbing was NOT for me. They pay sucks, the fact that it is walking into a “new” situation each time is stressful and you are working every day…..they are really hurting for subs. Saying “no” is not my strong suit so I would have been doing everything I could to be sure “everyone was happy” and I would be burnt out, for very little money. I am not against working somewhere that doesn’t make a lot of money. Money is not the end all be all of life y’all! It is just a means to an end. You can make money doing just about anything! But I want to be fulfilled, and I knew subbing was not going to fill me up in the way I was looking for. The cards were stacked for everyone….except me!
So, I sat…and sat….and sat……I cried a lot! I was sicker than I can ever remember being. I was tired and I was 112 pounds. I could not put weight on and I was always in pain. But I had to decide, with the divorce pending (and STILL FUCKING PENDING…UGH), how was I going to support me and the boys? How was I going to do it? A lot of people suggested I file for disability. It was something I definitely sat with during those “sit and sit and sit” meditation sessions. I knew I had to make a choice and that choice, claiming disability, labeling myself disable, came with its own burdens. Did I want that in my life? Did I want that label? I knew I wasn’t ready to claim that. I didn’t have to sit with that for too long. I speak ONLY from my own perspective and never sit in judgement of someone that did file for disability. Everyone has to do what is right for them, but for me I wanted to try to do it without doing that. So, the only other choice was to find a career that could fulfill me and would be healthy for my body. I think when I told people I was going to massage therapy school they all had the same look on their face 😳😳😳
"Life could be wonderful if people would leave you alone" - Charlie Chaplin
It does seem a little wild, to think someone that was having a hard time getting out of bed three years ago. Someone who two years ago could not touch her own toes because of back surgery, someone that was tired all the time, and was wasting away to nothing because she was stressed and sick….that she could do massage therapy is ridiculous. But after all that sitting (and stretching and meditating and dancing and journaling…) I knew it was the perfect answer. I could help others heal! It was everything I have every wanted to do. Help others feel what they wanted to feel. To help someone relieve some of their pains and struggles. I could help them!!! Little did I know…..that this program would not only teach me to heal others, but would heal me in the process…..AMAZING! Everything about the last year….is amazing!
I remember going to the school and meeting with Matt. He walked me through the program and the school….and when we sat down, I laid it on him. I was not in the best place with my health. I wanted to know the truth….could I be successful at this job if my body was not in good health. He basically said “Once you get through school and do your clinic hours….you can make your career whatever you need it to be. Fit it to your health. Fit it to your needs. Your biggest thing will be making it through clinics…because you have to do so many hours a week and so many a day….it may be a lot.” Well, I knew I could push through clinics. I mean, pushing through was what I had become best at, but at what cost? Was it worth it? Could I push through and still be physically able to pursue a career? I had to figure that out, sit with it all….the thing was, the new class had already started, so if I wanted in I had to decide over the weekend. It was Thursday, I would have to give him an answer and start Monday…..WHAT? That was not enough time to “sit” haha I sat with it for the weekend and decided to take a leap of faith…..and man, I am so glad I did.
That leap of faith is one of the best things I have ever done. Two other things are equal….having children, and stopping the drinking. There are certain things you will do in your life, they will change the course of your life, and while choosing them, you know they are life changing, but you can never know HOW life changing until you are living it! This is one of those moments….life altering. The things I learned, not just from the books, but from the people, I will forever be impacted by them. Each one playing a beautiful part in my story….I would love to share some of those ways with y’all. Not necessarily because you need to know their magic, but because I never want to forget what they brought to my life….while they were just being themselves! I never want the memories to fade away and forget how within these very normal and mundane moments….they changed my life!
I remember driving to my first day of school….I wanted to puke, I wanted to turn around and runaway. I just wanted to stay in my comfort zone, I am not cut out for this stuff. I am awkward (to say the least) and I have never really fit in (or at least that is what I have always felt…) but I knew I needed to just do it. Even scared out of my wits!!! Even if everyone thought it was an awful idea, even if I failed….I had to do it. So, I cried on the way to class….and I cried afterwards too. They hated me, I knew it…except, I don’t think they did…..they just didn’t know me because I think I muttered all of like ten words total, and even those words were kind of dulled down and boring. I didn’t want to stand out and yet I am not the kind of person who blends in well. I think it is mostly this mane….hard to blend in with this hair. So, I stand out AND I feel awkward so I want to hide. Haha Not a good combo! I would continue to feel out of place and I would hate class the entire first week! I just knew this was the worst idea I had ever tried….
Then I decided the second week to just go in there and be myself. Whatever that was…..just be me….that way, if they really did hate me, at least I could be myself. Instead, they did not know me AND I wasn’t even being myself so it was twice as miserable. That was when the magic happened for me. I stopped worrying about if they liked me and I started just being authentic. Yes, I still felt awkward….but at least I felt like me. When I try to dull myself down or filter my personality I always feel so fake. Like I am trying too hard for something that isn’t even what I want. To be honest, fitting in seems really boring to me. I like standing out a little. I like when people say “I am not sure I have ever met someone like you…” Good…that is how it should be, haha I like leaving people shaking their heads. I mean, they are going to talk about you anyways, might as well make it interesting!
Madi, is the bestest…she calls me her MILF and it always makes me laugh a little. When I had kids I was bound and determined to be a MILF (goals people….goals!!! haha) so it always brightened my day. She became a friend to me unlike any other,
I felt like we both ended up in each other’s life because each of us had something to offer the other. A new way of seeing things, a different perspective and yet both so determined to live from a place of asking others to see us and accept us for exactly who we are. She is a beautiful young lady and I adore her….when we learned about the respiratory system, I literally feel in love with the human body. I mean, it is such a beautiful thing. She saw the excitement I had for it and for my birthday she drew me a picture….it is beautiful and it hangs on my wall so I can see it every day. It reminds me that the world is mine, and all I need to do is remember to breathe.
Bradley, he was my son incarnate. So sarcastic and always quick to try to make you laugh. He was open to share what he knew, and he knew things a young man normally doesn’t know. He was open to saying what he thought, and whether I agreed or not, it always helped me learn something new. I would be so proud if my son is anything like him, he is a beautiful young man. Tonya taught me so much about being authentic to who you are….if others do not like that….they can suck it. Be you and in doing so your life can unfold in ways that are by design for you. She taught me to laugh, even when you may want to cry. She reminded me to look for the blessings, and she prayed over me!!! I have never had someone pray over me the way this women did. It was like a cleansing breath. It was everything God wanted and needed me to hear, and this beautiful women was delivering it to me in such a powerful way. I cried that night….when she was done I actually felt a weight lifted. She did that for me…not because of any other reason than, she is an amazing women of God and she is not afraid to be just that…and that is beautiful!
Dana, what a spitfire!!! She sure did teach me, it is ok to tell people to fuck off if they do not deserve you. I need lessons in this area, for sure! I do not have a filter, so I say everything I am thinking, but this is different. This is boundaries…..she helped me not be so scared to set them and to stick with them. She is beautiful and bold. She is a loving and attentive mother but she shares the stories that also make you understand that some days being that kind of mother is tiring….and it is ok to want a break from being that ALL THE TIME! She has a lot more to teach me….and I am so excited to have her in my life!
Terri!!! Man, I just am not even sure I can fully talk about how much I cherish tis women! I will never forget the day Terri went from a classmate, to my hero. We were in HOT class and Matt came in to ask if any of us were ready to do a clinical....a real client. None of us had done it yet and we all just stood there like we didn’t hear him….except Terri. She raised her damn hand! I was in shock. From that moment on, I looked to Terri on how to be braver, less filled with fear. To stop being so afraid of what might go wrong and appreciate what could go right. She makes me smile, and we have the best time together. She tells me all the ways she loves me and I remind her of all the ways she makes a difference in my life. She would dance with me on Fridays and she never fails to impress me with who she is. She does not let fear rule her life, she acknowledges the fear and then straight kicks its ass. I will never forget the last day of clinics for her, she said “Ya know, whenever I start to try to decide what is next, I remember that no matter what is next…no one can take away what this experience already was.” That was so well received for me. Because I sometimes get worried about how long my body will be able to do this….to remember that even if the answer is “not long”, nothing can take away what it has already been. All the experiences and the people I met….I can never NOT have that! I fucking love Terri BIG!
There are other students that were not in my class that impacted me as well, there are a few that stand out…Bonnie with her ever bubbly personality. She is always quick to remind you of a better way of seeing the crazy stuff you are feeling. She just exudes light, and her light is warm and bright. Kayleigh, so young and carefree and yet she just kind of knows. She has an old soul and it is beautiful to see in such a young girl. She is going to do amazing things! Ladean….the Queen! The first time I met her I knew I loved her! The very first day!!! She has something special about her light….I want to be around it all the time. Valentina….this one! I mean….she is one of the most beautiful people! I remember the first time she came to do clinics, I could tell she was nervous, so I said “After the first one you will feel better.” She said “I know massage, I am not nervous about the massage, but I do not know your language well.” I stopped her right there and told her what a badass she was. Anyone that comes into a situation like this at a disadvantage, such as language, just shows how determined they are to do what they were designed to do. I am not sure I could do it….every day since, she reminds me how I fill her up. She tells me “when I think about you it makes me happy. It fills me up with light." I mean….guys!!!! That is probably all I have ever wanted in my life, to fill others up with light! She reminds me daily that I do fill people up and that my story is impacting others…..she is a beautiful person!
"You shouldn't be scared of your next step, your next step should be scared of you!" - Kayleigh
The different classmates I have met along this journey have shaped me into a better person, I know this fully…..and I am not really surprised by that. I enjoy connecting with people deeply, it is one of my favorite things. So, once I lead from an authentic place, the rest kind of just followed suit. When you are aware of how you make others feel, then your goal can always be to make others feel good through feeling good yourself, and to have that reciprocated is something that just feels so fulfilling. One thing that did surprise me was how much what I was actually learning was shaping my life. For that, I thank my instructor….Mirsada! Ok, so we all take science in school, I mean, I know I had to have learned about this before, but for some reason, learning it this time, changed my life! I like to think it was Mirsada and the way she delivered it. She had a way of being excited about what she was telling you, so you became excited about it as well. She had a way of giving you all the different ways to learn it. She would share videos and slides, but she had a way of showing you that just made everything click. I also think, it was more than that. I have talked about my “awakening” many times, but I think it had to do with that as well. I was in a different place in my life and I was so invested in becoming healthy, as much as I was invested with becoming a good therapist. I wanted a better life, and learning how everything is connected, how sending oxygenated blood to the muscles is what feeds them. Learning that sending oxygenated blood to your muscles was done through using your breath and for your body to know to do this it took a healthy mind. I was able to use everything she taught me to further my goals to be healthy. I believe fully….I will heal my body of RA! I believe RA may always be with me, it will not define me because I am learning how to heal my body with mindful breaths and meditation. I am learning how it is all so connected and how showing love and compassion to my body can heal it! Without Mirsada I would still be stuck at a level of wanting good health, instead I am making good health.
Mirsada is an outstanding instructor…..but she is more than that to me. I believe she was placed in my life to challenge me to be better. I have so many people in my life that encourage me. They remind me that I am a beautiful person in their lives, they tell me that I fill them up and that I make them smile. They tell me I am great…..Mirsada told me “You are great, but you can be better!” I needed someone to tell me that, because if you remember, I was willing to “push through” clinics. I knew I could get through clinics but what I didn’t know was I could get through clinics and be a better person and a damn good massage therapist too! I didn’t have much faith in what I “could” do. I was living from a place of being sick. Mirsada challenged me every step of the way, she never let me get caught up in my own doubts, my own fears. She asked me time and again to grow and I did. Whenever I tell her what she did for me, she says “I didn’t do it….you did all the work.” She is right, and most of the angels that have come into my life, say the same thing…..they are not wrong and yet I know that without their direction and encouragement I would not have had the courage to do those things.
When I think about the women that sat down with Matt that day….I am so proud of her. She did this whole things scared. Each and every step made her want to run away. Each moment made her question if this was the right thing, and yet here she sits, graduated from school and ready to fully embrace her gifts. She walked into that room that first day scared and awkward, and she walked out the last day scared and awkward….haha BUT she walked out filled up by each and every moment, she walked out more shaped into her best self. She walked out with pieces of each of these wonderful people added into the kaleidoscope of her life. Each one a colorful and bright piece of the life she plans on creating for herself and her boys. I look at this beautiful women and I see each one of these other beautiful people that so fully accepted her weirdness as a bonus. I feel their acceptance and compassion for everything I am, but I hear them cheering me on to everything I can become!
To say I am grateful…..is an understatement! This IS my next best step!
"The secret to having it all, is to know you already do!"
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