To say I didn’t have a plan would be lying, I did have a plan…..life just had a different one. That seems to be the thesis of my whole existence. The first and biggest problem was, I am tired. All the hours of my days are filled with things I have to get done. If I am not doing those things, I am doing things that recharge my battery, so I can do those things that have to get done. I spend my days off in a state of self-care and errands. I spend more time at the grocery store than I care to admit but I try to balance that with lunch dates with friends and a beach trip or two. I just didn’t have the mental or physical capacity to go birthday shopping for a present. I was already dreading going to Dave & Busters, not only because it is loud and expensive BUT there are people there (lots of them) and I try to avoid people every chance I get. Plus remember the beginning of this conversation….I am tired.
I try not to tell myself that I am tired because you are exactly what you tell yourself you are…..but I AM tired. All the time really, but that is to be expected in my life. Between my illnesses, my job being strenuous and raising two teenagers…..who would not be tired? I try to balance that with reminding myself how blessed I am…and we seem to be able to pull off a most amazing life for being as tired as we are. (I say we a lot in my writing…..not really sure why, maybe I want to represent all my personalities. Haha) so I am grateful for that. This weekend would be no different. I love the way life unfolds in the most magical of ways, if we just let it.
I came home Thursday, really tired y’all. I was so exhausted, so I told the kids when I got home from work that I needed a nap. When I woke up Zachary had built this tiny little fort in the middle of the living room. He had done a pretty good job, but because we have hardwood floors, it was rough on his little body. He sure did enjoy it though. At this point we all knew Dave & Busters was probably not going to happen. A tropical storm was blowing into our area and momma does not drive unnecessarily in bad weather. I told them we would play it by ear but it wasn’t looking good. Most kids would have reacted like they had just been told their best friend died, but my boys are so amazing when it comes too canceled planned. They have had to adjust to my illness as much as I have and that comes with days where I wake up and just cannot do the things I had hoped to do. They are beautiful in their compassion and I hope that follows them into all of their relationships in the future. To say I was disappointed would be a lie, I didn’t really want to go anyways but how was I going to make this weekend special? I had been given this gift of not having to go to D&B but I still wanted to celebrate Zachary. When I saw the fort he had built, I got an idea….when I got home from work tomorrow we would build a real fort and sleep in it. We could eat popcorn and watch movies.
There is still one problem, I am STILL tired. This was Thursday and I could barely keep my eyes open. I had a ten hour work day on Friday….how was I going to come home and build a fort? I truly sat in meditation that morning crying. I wanted to not blow this, but how was I going to find the energy? Somehow, by the grace of God….I did. I worked all day, it was a beautiful day at work. I got to massage some dads and honor them and all they provide for their families and then hit the grocery store (I seem to have to do this multiple times a week….why?!?!?) for some snacks and such. Got home and we set to building the fort.
This fort is kick butt (and is still up as we speak even though the boys are with their dad this week….I may just leave it up. I like to hide out in there….it is cozy)! Zachary laid in that fort with me when we were done and said “Mom, thank you so much for this fort. This is the most epic birthday ever.” I love him and how easy he makes it to love him. How easily he loves others. He is a beautiful child. Once we were done, Austin set out to hook the DVD player to his computer so we could watch a movie and Zachary asked if he could be in charge of the popcorn. During this time I laid my ass in that fort and closed my eyes. I prayed “Please just let me get through a movie” Then I can go to bed. But once again, life had other plans and Austin could not figure out how to hook this thing up. We looked on Google, we tried downloading a driver I had. We tried everything, but Austin is stubborn so he just kept trying, even after we knew, it was not going to work. We decided on a YouTube movie but we were hesitant because the internet in the church house is not very good. It played the whole movie without interruption….and the best part? The whole two hours Austin tried to get that thing to work….and it wouldn’t, not one person yelled. Not one person got upset or cried. We just laughed through each mess up and figured something out together. This is the peace I wanted in my life when I was married. A peace that says "No, it is not always going to go "right" but maybe it going "wrong" was what was "right" to begin with." Maybe being a part of that was important for my boys to see and witness, so that they grow up knowing that just because it isn’t working doesn’t mean it isn’t working.
We watch that movie and by the time I crawled into my own bed it was almost midnight…..have I mentioned that I do not stay up late? I cherish my sleep and I am greedy with it. I am up by 5am every day and I need to get to bed by 10 to ensure I get enough sleep. I will give the shirt off my back for anyone….but if I stay up late for you, you must be very important, because I do not mess around with my beauty sleep (which is not really about outer beauty but the beautiful way my body works when it is well cared for….which includes, getting enough sleep). Once again though, life had other plans and sleep was not really going to happen for me. Zachary was standing in my room, he said he could not sleep. So he asked if he could lay with me and I said sure. He tried to sleep for like an hour or so but I woke up and he was still awake…..he asked if he could read for a while and I said yes. He ended up most of the night, which meant I was up most the night, and both of us dozed off about 4am for a couple hours.
Here was the issue…..I am STILL tired….haha But now it was “the day”. The day we were going to celebrate Zachary’s birthday. His actual birthday was on Sunday but so was Father’s Day, So I had told Leo he could keep the boys that day. It was not the easy thing to do, but it was the right choice. Either that, or we had to spend it all together and I am done doing that. When I first asked for a divorce I saw us as this family unit. Maybe Leo and I were not married anymore, but we could still be a family. Leo said no….once we divorced I was no longer his concern and I would not be his family. I tried for a good year to make him see it my way, then I quit and realized that wasn’t really what I wanted either. One of the reasons we divorced (trying anyways) is because Leo is not a pleasant person to be around. Maybe people enjoy his company, but I do not. He is crabby, angry and he tends to need you to agree with him all the time. He talks about himself a lot and never asks about your life. He doesn’t really care about what is happening in your life, unless it affects him somehow. He never really tries to understand another point of view, and that makes talking to him unenjoyable for me. He gets angry with the kids easily, and he yells a lot. Unfortunately I cannot convince him to do it any differently, I tried…trust me, so I have just determined, I will not subject myself to it. The boys will just have to adjust to doing things twice. I also do not put much stock in what “day” I celebrate Zachary. I try to celebrate my kids everyday….they are amazing kids.
Here we were, tired and stuck in doors most the day because the rains were pretty intense. I made Zachary his requested breakfast of French toast with fresh strawberries, whipped cream and chocolate drizzle. It was so good. Then we decided to play a board game. We went with Scrabble. Spelling is not really my thing, and these boys are not versed in the skill it takes to play Scrabble. I told them Paul would never allow for this nonsense. This Scrabble game was hilarious. Between the three of us I think there was only one word that was over five letters, and we allowed Austin to use the word “deez” as in “deez nuts” – Zachary had final say on if that was a word. That gave Austin a triple word space and he ended up getting like thirty something points off that word. I just laughed and laughed. After that I pulled Austin aside and asked him to help me. I had just decided (mostly because I was tired….) to give Zachary money of his birthday. He could spend it on something he really wanted…but he had been saying for days now “I cannot wait to open my gifts!” Well, a card would be pretty anticlimactic, even if it had money in it….so I asked Austin to help me make up scavenger hunt.
This would be one of our favorite parts of the day. Not only did we get to come up with silly things to say (and trust me, we did-see below) but I got to spend time with Austin. It may be a weekend to celebrate Zachary but Austin is becoming such a beautiful young man and spending time with him is really enjoyable. He is funny and he is compassionate. Sometimes he really does just prefer to ignore me, but when he does spend time with me we have such a good time. Here are the clues we came up with….they were so much fun, and Zachary was laughing the entire time.
1. The room where the hippy resides, look for her boss
Find the medal given, to team Awesome Sauce
(This was my favorite clue….I love Team Awesome Sauce)
2. Go to where your boxers live, look inside your drawers
Not the ones on your ass, but the ones behind your doors
(Austin insisted it was more funny to cuss….cannot say I disagree! Haha)
3. Don’t let Sleepy Joe get in there
He’ll take the guns, and Austin’s underwear
(For some reason “sleepy joe” comes us in a lot of our conversations and they are Nerf guns)
4. Breaks and wheels, pedals and spokes
When mom is on it, there are lots of jokes
(I cannot ride a bike to save my life!!)
What you need to do.
(He got to the bathroom and was looking in the cabinets…me and Austin were like “you go #1 and #2 in the cabinet?!??! Nasty- lol)
6. This is where you go to take a shit,
For your next clue, go eat a chip
(Austin insisted “shit” and “chip” rhymed but I am not so sure)
7. Go to your mother, have her play the song
And hopefully the clue, will move you along
(The song was “Burn Down the house” by AJR and the clue was in the fake fireplace)
8. Sleepy boy may need a nap,
Under here is where your present is at
(We had his card under the bed)
We finished up the scavenger hunt and played a few more board games. Next was massages for both the boys. Neither of which can really handle any amount of pressure, and yet they need it because they have so much tension build up in their shoulders and neck. So the whole time I was massaging them they would scream out weird words and we would just crack up. Me and Austin had a great talk about things that are bothering him and Zachary just kind of laid in silence (unless he was screaming in pain because his little muscles need some TLC) At the end of his massage he said to me “Mom, thank you so much for this birthday…..it mean so much to me. If I try to say the words to explain it, I will cry!” AWE! Man, I sure love this kid!!! I know that feeling so well, and to hear him express that kind of emotion at 12 was really impressive to me. I am so proud of who he is and how his little heart is so open to feeling his emotions.
Then we ate cake. It was a red velvet brownie cheesecake…..yummy!!! After that we hung out in the fort just laughing and goofing off for a while, while we waited for Leo to come get them. Leo came and grabbed them and they were off for their adventure with their dad. After they left I hung out in the fort with a book, and I just reflected on the fact that somehow I had pulled it off. I had managed to create a special day for him, and honor myself in the process. We all filled each other up in ways that were really needed and we all appreciated the time together.
The next day, I did a whole day of self-care for me, a pedicure (that I did myself, because I ain’t got time or money to go get it done, plus…people), some time spent in the sun, a good conditioner on my hair, and a facial. I did a paraffin wax on my feet and hands, and danced around the house in my underwear. I celebrated Zachary by giving him this time with his dad. I celebrated Zachary by connecting with him from a place that is sacred to me, through time together and joy. I celebrate my children every day that I wake up and make things happen. I do not do anything for them because I “have” to, I do it because I get to do it. I am blessed to have this time with them, and I soak it up whenever I can. Leo texted me yesterday and said “Do you mind if we go to Dave & Busters? I know that was your original plan and I don’t want to take anything away from you and the boys.” I told him of course not, that they should go….I just want Zachary to feel special. What Leo provides for the boys, I cannot provide and hopefully I provide what he lacks…..that is how we celebrate our children in a healthy way. No one can take anything away from my relationship with the boys, except me...and that will never happen.
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