Strength

Strength /streNG(k)TH/ - Noun

1. the quality of being physically strong

2. the capacity of an object or substance to withstand great force or pressure

This word is triggering me lately. I see it when people talk about marriages, and illnesses. I see it when people are inspired by others, and they want to say they appreciate what strength it took to be sober or overcome a loss. We say, “You are so strong.” I totally get where people use this word as a way of saying I see that you had to work hard for what you have and that takes courage. That takes drive and willpower…. but I am triggered because I believe fully that words are very powerful, and we should understand the spells we are casting when we cast them.

Remember the tale of the genie in the bottle and how when you would ask for your wish it would come true, but never in the way you actually wanted it. Say, “I wish I could be rich” and bam…you turn into a guy named “Rich.” Words have power and when we add intentions behind them, they become tiny spells spoken into the universe. When people say for instance, and we see it a lot…. or maybe I see it a lot because it is something I am going through and so it catches my attention, “It takes strength to stay in your marriage.” I am instantly triggered. “Strength” seems to me a weird word to use in this type of conversation. Why would one need “strength” to stay in a healthy, flowing, love filled relationship? The answer is simple to me, you don’t. What you need to stay in a healthy, flowing, love filled relationship does not require strength in my opinion. At least it shouldn’t. Why should I have to be a strong person to stay in a love filled place? You would think that would be easy, like simply breathing, it should just happen. There should be an ease to deciding you are going to exist together, forever. To me, this would not require strength as much as awareness. I feel like I had to be “stronger” to realize I was NOT in that relationship, and to walk away not knowing how to pick up all the pieces. THAT takes strength….and yet, it has all just kind of flowed. And I find myself in a healthy, flowing, love filled relationship, with me.

"Suffering ceases to be suffering at the moment it finds a meaning."

I understand most people mean well by saying this and are not saying anything about me, it is not personal…. but it feels personal and to me that means I have some healing to do. I sat with all of this recently, and really have come to the conclusion that I am triggered because to me “being strong” requires effort. Most people are not strong without doing something to BE strong, no matter what it is they are being strong “at”, it takes work. When you are living in a toxic relationship (and let me be clear, it was toxic for ALL of us, not just me. It was toxic for the kids to think that was what a marriage should look like, and it was toxic for Leo because he felt like he was unloved, he wasn’t but it doesn’t really matter, he felt unloved and so he was living in a toxic relationship too….we all were), THAT takes strength, you are right…because you tell yourself day in and day out that things will get better and if you just do this or do that it will get better, and then you find yourself five fucking years later saying the same stuff. No solutions worked, nothing we did worked. I was miserable and I was tired of being miserable (if he is honest Leo was too) so I changed!!!! ***GASP!!!!!!!

That is my failure in the eyes of people who act like I wasn’t “strong enough” to stay in my marriage! I changed! I stopped being miserable, and you know what……he got MORE miserable! It took strength to keep wishing for something better, but what really took strength was realizing that it wasn’t getting better and getting off my ass to do something about it…for ME!!! Not for my marriage, not to “save” my marriage, but to save my life! To save the lives of us all. That is not a place you should “stay strong and tough it out!” I am tired of thinking that way. I wish me and Leo had, had the tools to build a better marriage but I do not wish we had stayed married. I am happy we are almost divorced, and I would make this choice every time…. because I am being strong for all of us. I choose myself and that takes strength! It takes strength to walk away everything you have ever known as a sober person, and never pick up a drink. I was never without Leo in my sobriety, I have never adulted without him. It took strength to walk away knowing I was sick and that I may not have too many years to build a life like the one I just walked away from. It takes strength to get healthy, both physically and emotionally so you can show your boys that this IS what is best. To be filled with wellness enough so you can help them through it all from a healed and healthy place…. that takes the most strength of all. Wanting to fall apart but knowing they are watching. Wanting to cry that I miss them when they are not with me on Christmas, but not wanting them to carry that load. Talk about “being strong,” talk about doing major “training sessions” to get in fighting shape for that?

Everything takes strength! People will say to me “You are so strong to stay sober” and they are right. It takes a lot of work to keep my mind right, so I do not fall into unhealthy choices. It does take preparation and determination to keep my “whys” close and spend a lot of time in prayer and meditation…. but “being strong” – it almost took more “strength” being addicted! That sounds weird, I know, and I try not to say these kinds of things because it is misunderstood without context…. when you are addicted to “whatever you are addicted to” (the list is long unfortunately) what most people are really doing is trying to numb. They are overwhelmed with their “feels” and they don’t want to deal with them, so they use something to distract them from it and they numb. That works great for a while, but soon it takes more and more to numb and now you are trying to numb the disappointment in yourself that you cannot stop doing it, so you just do it more…. the cycle is awful. As you become aware of the cycle and aware of your inability to stop it, you wish for death…. you wish to just stop, and it takes SO much strength to pull yourself out of THAT place. The strength comes from the weakness…. not from the victory.

I was strong when I was slowly dying and yet I kept fighting for something better. I was strong when I saw that things were not getting better, and I got off my ass and changed it. The strength came from the weakest point….so, addicted me was the strong one. She made the choice! She chooses better. She decided enough was enough. She is way stronger than I am. I am healthy and filled with faith. I am singing and dancing, and I am sober, …. she sang and danced but never felt the energy….AND she STILL danced. She was lost and felt unknown, and yet she kept existing. I don’t feel all that strong right now, I mean, my body is strong, do not get me wrong. My body have never been stronger. My spirit is strong, let me tell you, I have a personal relationship with God, he is for sure my homie….and my emotional health is thriving, and I am growing and learning every day, but none of that requires any real strength on my part…just a kind of flow. A faith in what will be. No heavy lifting, or heavy work on my part. Just awareness.

Strength – what a funny little spell. Being strong is a beautiful thing. Strength is a beautiful thing…I mean, a strong, healthy body is something to admire. Someone that is fit in their overall health is even more attractive. But being emotionally strong is tricky. If you are being asked to be emotionally strong, what/who is your opponent? Why is strength being required? When you are asked to be strong, isn’t that an indication that you are in some kind of battle…like me and my addiction. I am fighting to stay alive, fighting for some kind of place in my world. I am fighting the demons in my head that keep me trapped in a cycle of abuse against myself. If I am being asked to be emotionally strong in my relationship, that is a red flag for my trauma response. That sounds like you’re asking me to stay somewhere and fight but fight for a marriage instead of fighting for myself.

"Strength grows in the moments you think you can't go on, but you keep going anyways"

My marriage (for me, and from my perspective…. this is neither true nor false, just my thoughts) was comparable to my addition. I felt unseen and unknown. I felt like each day I got up to go through the motions but there was no passion, no joy there. I danced and I would sing…. but I could not hear the energy. I needed to be strong because I didn’t want to exist and yet, I had to stay here and fight. My strength came from my weakest point. My weakest point being the day I asked for the divorce. She was so much stronger than this person today. This person today has done all the shadow work. She has read many books, and she attends church so she can talk to her BFF God. She surrounds herself with positive and reciprocal energy…and she gets to rub naked people!!!! That women that stood in front of her former best friend and asked for a divorce, that women who had no clue how in the world she was going to do it and did it anyways…. she was strong. She just made the choice and then she set forward making sure her steps were going to make that the best choice!

I guess my point is this, and this is why I wanted to share….in your weakest moment is when you are going to have to be string! When you least think you are capable of being strong, that is when you will be…so please do not get discouraged if you are still in a weak moment. Your strong is coming. Honor this time. Honor the now, and know, one day, in your weakest moment, you are going to make a better choice, and then you are going to just keep making better choices until you are finally no longer asked to “be strong.” You get to the next part where you just have to stay aware. No more strength required. You can rest in the knowing that you already were asked to be strong, now you are being asked to surrender!

"The resilience of the human spirit and the validity of love inhibits us to rise above our tribulations and fly again." - Gaye Guthrie