The question seems endless....and yet, it seems like a loaded question:
"Describe any special contributions you feel you have made to your spouse's career....."
I am not sure you can say what I did was “special”, I mean….it was Leo who put his name on that line and pledged that he would lay his life down for you. He was the one that was sleeping in a dusty tent. He packed up and left his family and he did it without complaining. He knew it was what he had to do, so he did it. I believe he did it at least seven times after taking me as his wife.
I am not sure I can say “special”, because a LOT of spouses do what I did….and most have done it a lot more than I did. They have hugged their husband goodbye and never shed a tear. Why? Because their sons were watching, and they were learning how to say goodbye too. They were learning that sometimes daddy has to go away for a while but he will be back, and we will be whole again. She didn’t cry because she didn’t want to scare them, but she was scared, and she still never shed a tear. She didn’t cry because….dinner had to be made and laundry done. There was ABC’s to learn and nighttime prayers to be said. She had to stay on top of the bills, and the second property that they got stuck with after the last PCS……she had to unpack from their goods being delivered the same week she said good bye…..again, second time in a year! She didn’t shed a tear because she had a home to make. She had to show up each day for her family, because they all needed her to be strong.
I am not sure what I did was “special” – because we only had to move three times after we became a family, and some families are in the double digits. So many like myself, that have watched their things be packed up again….knowing a lot of it would never be in the same condition. Family heirlooms destroyed, no amount of money will bring back your grandfather so he can repair it. We make the arraignments with the move because our spouses are busy getting the paperwork together from the side of the Military or sometimes…..they are deployed. We speak with teachers and doctors. We try to rent/sell the place we are in while trying to find a new place. It needs to be a place we can make new memories while trying to hold on to the ones we have made here. When we have to break it to the boys, he is there….but soon whisked away again to another deployment and she is here picking up the pieces again. But he is laying his life on the line so you pep talk yourself into seeing how strong you are….and you are, and you become stronger…..each time they ask you to, you become stronger. Always the backbone….momma, carrying the weight of the family while making it look easy!
I could say that all spouses of military members are “special”! I could say that all spouses of military members go above and beyond to BE special…..the military member signed the line. They said “I will do this for you……for my country!” The spouse said to the member “I will do this for you…..my family!” That takes a special person. It asks a lot. It asks you to take a back seat to the military. It asks you to understand that your kids take a back seat to the military. It asks every holiday, every special event, every birthday, every vacation….to take a back seat to the military. THEN it asks you NOT to be upset about it because your spouse is a hero. It has you trying to make up for the fact that you may not get this next time. He may not make it home, even though there were plans made. It says to you “We know you made plans but I am delayed…..you will have to go without me.” and you do, because you cannot quit living while he is gone….you have to keep making memories. You have babies……shit, you have babies, and you have to travel alone. Driving road trips over 20 hours to just get back to family because you feel so alone and overwhelmed. You need help….but you cannot tell him that because he is a hero and he has a mission. Mission first…..NOT the broken washer and dryer. NOT the sick kids or the water leak after the big storm. Stay strong, he is being strong while he misses out on all the memories, that has to be so hard…..so you stay strong! For the boys, and for him……and for you because you have no other choice. There is no time to meltdown, others have it worse.
I can tell you something else that is special….the mothers who have taken mine in as their own. These families seem to be the only ones that understand, and that is special. Because you have picked up and moved so far from any blood family. On those hard days, there is no mommy hug for you. Those days you have an appointment and cannot bring two toddlers with you, but he is busy with end of year at the squadron so he has told you, you have to figure it out because…mission first. So, you call upon the other mothers who have two of their own screaming kids, but never think twice to help you out….and then, you BECOME one of those special spouses! The kind that never need to be asked, you just kind of show up. You help where you can and you make everything as special as you can, because they are doing it alone or they have lost their partner. You swoop in and you carry them….that is what a military spouse does for another. We are connected, through the squadron coffees and bunko. Through helping with the haunted house none of wanted to do….but then you realize half way through that THESE are the memories that make strangers, family. So, you say yes to the next thing and the next thing….always understanding that you are creating a bond that is unbreakable. These special women leave secret packages for you on the holidays he is gone. Knowing it is your first deployment as the mother of his children. They leave them so you do not forget to take time to appreciate all you are juggling.
That deployment, the first one as a mother…..it is special, but in the worse way. The heartache you felt when your new husband left was like a love sick women, waiting….hoping….he will be back soon. It was you longing for him. When he leaves and you are looking at those two boys, a whole new heartache forms and it is one that nothing compares to. You are now looking at them, and they are longing for their daddy.
Of course you still want him home too, you still long for your friend, but this one, this deployment teaches you what it means to be strong for another. They cry themselves to sleep, they act out at school, and they talk back to you……because you are their safe place, and right now that safe place has been shaken. They are mad, and they don’t really understand why they have to say goodbye. They ask you if daddy will survive and you sit frozen in time. Racking your brain for an answer. You cannot promise them he will return, but you cannot scare them by being honest, they are too little for that weight……so you carry it for them and you ask them if they want an extra story before bed, or if they want to go look at the stars and talk to him. You reassure them that daddy loves them and misses them and then you all pray for him and the others. Then you make sure the next deployment you are better prepared. You promise each time that you will try to do it better next time, because you just know you are screwing it all up. You just know you are too short tempered, and you know you fed them cereal twice this week and the other meals were mac & cheese or pizza and you just know that, when he gets back……the real work starts, because you have become lax in the rules. You have let things slide a bit because you are tired of saying the same thing over and over. Fighting all the same battles alone. You know, just like last time, he is not going to agree with this new “way” of doing things and so you try to do better…..but you are tired, and you are alone, and you are asked NOT to be upset about that because he is a hero, and the mission comes first.
If I HAD to figure out something special I did to contribute to my husband’s 24 year military career, it would be that I did it all with a heart full of gratitude! I have so much gratitude for this wonderful life I have lead. It was full….always full! Our boys are amazing testaments to what resilience looks like. They are compassionate and kind. I am so grateful that I was able to play such a huge role in nurturing that in them. Our homes, wherever they were located (once it was a camper parked on a military base in the middle of summer, with two kids under the age of five) were filled with love and laughter. They were beautifully decorated but in a way that showcased every memory, every moment in time that captured what our family was. The flight suits were always clean and dinner was always made and it filled my heart up to be able to do that for my family. The schools our boys have attended, house teachers that have become friends. Relationships fostered trough being present for every moment I could. Volunteering and baking cupcakes. Award shows and Christmas programs….most attended alone because he was either gone or too busy at work. My heart is so full to have been able to do that as a stay at home mom. I have so much gratitude! The gratitude I felt as I watch my husband say goodbye to his military career and start a new journey. As he stood in front of family and friends, he spoke of HIS gratitude for all I did to support him in his beautiful adventure. What a blessing we lived, over and over, every day was a blessing to me. A beautiful, crazy, chaotic blessing.
In closing I want to say this, I did nothing “special” to contribute to Leo’s career. All military spouses are asked to do the same thing. Leo would have been just as successful with or without me. He is a very determined man. Failure is not an option for him, he will work as hard as he needs to, but he will shine. It is one of the qualities I fell in love with. So much confidence and drive to be what he wanted to be. He aimed for what he wanted, he worked damn hard, and he lived his dream of flying for the USAF. What I can say is this, Leo is the father he is because I worked overtime to make sure he could live his dream AND have a family! Being a solider for the USAF is brave, and it is not an easy under taking BUT being a solider for the USAF AND having a family…..is impossible without a “special” kind of spouse.
She is the kind of spouse that IS special! She doesn’t do “special” stuff…..she becomes a special person. She becomes everything that is asked of her. She handles the bills, takes care of the house, and deals with the shit that no one has time to deal with. She cooks dinner and cleans it up while he rests because his day was stressful. She tries to be sure no one is sad, and they all have what they need to feel the joy of the life they have built. She plans the birthday parties with grandeur and the play dates with the wonder of a child. She is up with the sun, so he can get extra sleep and falls into bed once the kids are down for the night, only to now feel the guilt of being too tired for any kind of intimacy. She runs the home like a well-oiled machine, everything in its place and all appointments covered. She puts her health and her wellbeing after everyone’s needs are met and only then will she allow herself to feel the exhaustion of trying to seemingly, do it all alone. She is married but he is married to the military…..she and her boys swept to the side like a secret mistress. Begging for the time to go do something, knowing it will only end with him screaming at the boys because they are…..acting like kids. But he doesn’t get it, this is not his world. It is our world and he a part of it, but it is not where he is present because the mission comes first and there is ALWAYS another mission.
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