She knew, she always knew. She was different, just a little wild. But it was four years ago that I started trying to figure out what made her different. What made her tick? Why did she feel so unloved? How did she get up each day, and fake a smile while she seemly held it all together? I spoke with God that night, no one will ever convince me differently. I was on the floor…..I have never prayed like that before. It was a soul wrenching prayer. I asked him to please fill my life with purpose. Help me stop living for everyone else and help me find my reason for living. Who was she? Sure, she was a mother and a wife, but who was Staci? I had no idea…..and when I asked God to fill my life with purpose, that was the day my life changed. Sounds dramatic, but it is true!
That was four years ago, and when I say I have dug deep for purpose, I mean I have dug DEEP for purpose. I swore that next morning, I was done living like that. I had to figure it out, similar to when I stopped drinking, one day I just woke up and knew I had to make a choice, keep drinking and lose everything, or get sober. I just decided, and then set out to be successful at it. I dug into self-help books, and I started going back to church. I started doing yoga, and meditating. I started making time for myself, even just simple things like a hot bubble bath, or an early morning beach trip. There is just a moment where you know things have to change. It is insane to think you can keep doing something the same way you always have and the result be different. You want different, choose differently. You want health, choose healthy. You want happiness, choose happy. You want purpose, dig deep for it.
"No one is you, and that is your superpower." - Elyse Santilli
I think this past year has given me the most “progress” in my life. I can tangibly see the places where life changed for me. One of those places was school. Walking out of school knowing I could peruse massage was a blessing. That was why I went, but the people I walked away with….that was a blessing I did not see coming. They made the blessing of school that much more rewarding. I promise each person that came into my life at that school will always hold a special place in my heart because they kind of held me up through some of the hardest times, and yet they didn’t even know they were saving my life. I love them each in a special way. Each one taught me something valuable and for that I am blessed!
I think back to this time last year and it still felt like I would be in clinical for the rest of my life. I use to say “I have 45 more years here…” It felt like I was never going to finish, then I did and I freaked out because now I had to try to pass that damn test. There was a small moment before going in to take the test in which I thought about leaving. I was so scared. Like, sick to my stomach scared, but I knew I had to do it scared or not do it at all because “not being scared” was not happening. This was one of those moments. It has to work! It just has to….and it did. When I past that test I was so grateful! What an accomplishment. I dug deep for school. Overcoming the fear of failure. Figuring out how go to school and still be present for my kids. All while still making sure I am doing self-care and maintenance, still trying to stay healthy. It was a lot….and I had just proved to myself, that is was all worth it. I am digging guys….I want it bad!!!
That was in March…..and from that moment forward my life has been blasted into this hyper extensive rollercoaster ride. I remember sitting in the living room at Leo’s and texting my new boss. I was super sick and I was not able to start the job when we had originally planned. I thought, great way to start a new job, not able to show up…but God knew I would need someone in my life that kept me pointed towards the positive. Misty was beautifully understanding and has never, since that day, been anything other than that. I could not know it then, but Misty and the girls at the spa will be one of my greatest gifts this year. I have to say, I was a little nervous about working at a spa. I have always walked the line between a foul mouthed sailor and a hippy. It had been 14 years since I had worked outside of my home and now I was going to work with all these super cute, put together women…and I felt like they were going to hate me because I am weird, but they didn’t. I think they love me because I am weird, or more than likely, they do not think I am weird because they are weird too. Let’s be honest….we are all weird! I am pretty sure me being at My Favorite Place, with these people, was divine planning. Having encouraging women around you every day. Women that lift you up each and every time you feel weak…that is a gift! Watching women kill it is one of my favorite things! How could this NOT be my favorite place?
"She dreams more often than she sleeps." - johnny ox
Speaking of favorite places….My Favorite Place Spa! This is my favorite place (and anywhere I am at with my kids, because they are really my most favorite place – except the grocery store, not there. I actually very much hate being with them in the grocery store.) When someone or somewhere feels like my favorite, it is usually because I feel fulfilled there. I feel appreciated, and seen. That is probably why my other favorite place is with my kids, they make me feel fulfilled. Each of us have a gift, a thing, ya know. A gift that contributes to the world and others in a beautiful way, and yet it fulfills you at the same time. This is my favorite place….fulfillment…purpose. Using my gifts in an intentional way has been my biggest blessing this year. Being able to impact others health in a positive way, and see the results. I think this has always been what I wanted to do, but never knew the right way to do that. I want to make people feel better, and now I get to channel that into my career and stop funneling that need to “fix” people into my personal relationships. I can stop doing that in my personal life, because I can be fulfilled in my profession.
Everything is going seemingly well at that point, but I was still living with Leo, and it was making me physically ill. I had to get out of there if I was going to fully thrive in my job. I had to find a way to get into my own place, because staying in the same house as your soon to be ex is not a suggestion I would make! It is sporty to say the least. Then God worked some magic into my life that I like to call “the church house”! I was blessed by this couple at church…they offered me their hurricane home as a place to get situated. I will never forget, Carrie text me “You want a free house?” HAHAHAHAHA This women…..wth. Yes! And within three days I had keys. What!?!?! How do you even wrap your head around that kind of blessing? I still cry with gratitude for what this house has done for me.
This house!! It is a cute little cabin, nestled back in the woods. I have written about this house! It is in all my journals. My cabin in the woods. This is so much what I picture for myself and my kids. A simple kind of life. Football in the front yard, and forts in the living room. We dance and sing. We laugh, oh my goodness the laughs! We are goofy AF! I only have one neighbor and we share a laundry room. This neighbor, she is an unexpected blessing wrapped in a really big blessing! We have cried together because we share similar stories. We have laughed until we are crying again, because we share similar hearts. Whenever we knock on each other’s door, we yell back “hold on, I have to get on a shirt.” Or “One second, I am naked” haha just two women out here living our best lives! She is such a beautiful person and she is always saying “Thanks for filling me up with love today Staci” She will be outside when I leave for work in the mornings. We are actually excited to see one another. Mornings in my house with Leo were awful. He was crabby in the morning and never someone I wanted to deal with. She will wave good bye as I drive away, and I blow her and Buddy (her dog) kisses. We are like an old married couple, except we like each other. Haha this house has been a blessing, and it will continue to be a place I can get my feet wet. I have other plans for the future, but this place is a great place to rest.
This last year has really projected me into my future. I am operating from my best self, most of the time, and I am proud. I am always trying to stay connected to my best self. This is a picture of her. I drew it when I was doing the workbook “Best Self”. She is all put together and she has the perfect vibe for getting things done. She is who I strive to be on a daily basis…and I think I am usually pretty good at it. Redirecting my thoughts and staying focused on what I want, not what I don’t want. I have been actively trying to not put expectations on others. I just want to love people how they show up. When they are moody, and when they are sad. I just want them to know that it is ok to not be ok, and even when you are not ok, you are still deserving of love. This is my greatest desire from someone else. I want to be loved for all of me, and if that is what I want, I must be willing to give that to others. I keep my health first and foremost in my life and it will be something that remains very important to me always. If I want this career to last, I have to keep my body cared for. I make time for myself and I never attach guilt to it. That is the kicker. It is easy to make yourself take time to rest, but how many times do you sit there resting thinking of everything else you should be doing? Stop doing that! It really does defeat the purpose of resting. It is not right now, right now….we self-care.
"I just got to a point where I wanted to live an unbullshitafied life." - Steve Maraboli
I can look back over pictures from the last year and see the physical change in me. Obviously, my hair is the biggest difference, but you can see it in everything. My eyes glow up different, and my skin is healthy and glowing. I have slowly lost most of my clothes and am very comfortable naked. This has not always been the case. I use to dress all cute and sexy in my 20’s, then I became a mom and something made me feel like I had to hide my body. Since turning forty, I am loving the freedom of having my skin showing. I wish I could have enjoyed it like this in my 20’s. Back then I dressed sexy for everyone else. I wanted the attention, and I got it, and it SUCKED because I got attention for my body, and not everything else that makes me special. Now it is different, I do it for me! I feel sexy and I feel a little wild. I am tired of conforming…I am ready to stand out. I am sorry if that makes you uneasy. I am not here to make you comfortable, I am not even trying to make myself comfortable. I want to live outside of my comfort zone, I want to push the boundary of what the world says I should be at 45. I am encouraging myself to embrace what this is now, because none of it is yours to keep. You are not promised health, you are not promised mobility. You may sooner than later have to give up your eyesight or your hearing. Some people, as they age, they lose their mind. Their memories. I refuse to sit and wait, I am living big now so when the day comes I can no longer move well, or think well…..I will be comfortable knowing, I knew who I was when no one was watching, and I was comfortable enough with her to be that same person while they all stare on in wonder.
I give gratitude for my body and her health. One of those ways is exposing her to life. Exposing her flaws, honoring what they are. Learning her curves and the angels of her face. Understanding that as she ages, so does her body. Instead of fighting that, I am really just going to enjoy it. I will not spend the rest of my life fighting age. Age is an honor! It is an honor to grow old. Many never get that chance, but I promise it is also ok to grow old and look sexy doing it. I may not have the perk I once use to, but I have something far more valuable, I have purpose. When you walk from a place of purpose, you glow up differently. When you are proud of yourself, it is ok to shout that out for the world to hear. Why are we taught to not praise ourselves? But then we are also told not to look for validation outside of ourselves either….so do not validate your own good stuff but don’t look for others to validate you. Sounds like a lose, lose situation. I say pump yourself up Queen!!! If you have a hard time doing it for yourself, look for me….I will pump your ass up!!! Either way, you deserve to be validated in your feelings. If you cannot look outward for that validation…you better damn well give yourself permission to look inward, or you will walk through life feeling unseen and unappreciated.
"You will be too raw for some, you will be too loud, too big, too fierce, too quiet, too deep....these are not your people." - s.c lourie
This last year has been a wild one, and I have no doubt that the next year will also be filled with new people, and new blessing. I have lived a beautiful life over the last 44 years, but this last year has been one for the books. I could have never guessed a year ago that I would be here today, doing all the scary things….and loving them. I cannot even imagine where I will be next year at this time. But look at how far I have come. Wherever you are right now, I encourage you to remember, a lot can happen in a year. You can accomplish a lot in a year. So when you wonder about where you could be next year at this time, I will tell you where you could be….all the fucking way up! Wherever I find myself throughout this 45th year of life, I am going to thrive. I mean, look at her!!!! She just could not have known the year ahead of her, and yet, she knew! She has always known! She is different, a little weird….but that is ok, the universe loves a stubborn heart.
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