I feel like I have so much to say and none of it has to do with anything and all of it has to do with everything. I was driving home last night from work. It has been a crazy week. Any time the boys are with me, we hustle through the week. Work, school, band, volunteering….then we close it off with a long Friday. The weeks are like something out of a comic book as we just push….but there was a lot of beautiful parts too. I sometimes am not sure how to put it into words, but I feel very blessed. I am surrounded by the most amazing people, I have two of the most perfect humans to grow old with (if you ask them, I am already old, but whatever….) and I get to do something for a living that really is a part of me. I have never been so visually aware of what surrounds me. I have never more thoroughly understood how blessed I am.
"The more grateful I am, the more beauty I see." - Mary Davis
I can look back and see the struggle, I can look at the now and see the struggles. All the questions of how to make all this work, for me, for him, for the boys…..but no matter where I am looking, I see blessings after blessings. I see protection. I see growth. I feel blessed for that. I never know how to express the magnitude of my gratefulness so I use to denote it with “I do not deserve this.” Somehow I thought this would explain my feelings….but I think it was very toxic to keep repeating old thoughts. That is an old thought process…”deserving” things, or “deserving” love. I do not believe one deserves love or doesn’t deserve love. We are reciprocated energy, whatever you focus on, will be there. So to keep saying I didn’t deserve these blessings was mind fucking myself into thinking I was somehow unworthy of the love of others, or unworthy of good blessings. What in the world would make me think that?
I am a very loving, and kind person. I am a really good hearted and giving person. I make people feel good, and I lead with compassion whenever I can. Why would someone who is all those things, NOT deserve to be loved by others? Why would she not deserve good tiding, and miracles in her life? This line of questioning lead me to STOP saying that. It was unhealthy and it was not true! I stopped denoting my blessings with that phrase, but it wasn’t until yesterday on the way home that I was finally able to say “I deserve this love, because I am a good person!” I have a hard time when people like me….haha I don’t know whether to believe them. I think they are just pretending, or they probably just want to fuck me. That is also very toxic!
Why is that so hard for me? When I sat with THAT question it was hard to understand because I see my good. I lead with good. It is a choice….I lead with love for every single person I encounter. I see my good…and yet am shocked when others do. What a weird way to go through life, never trusting fully that others like you. Last night though, I was crying and I was giving thanks for my life. It was a fabulous Friday, and the clients I got to work with were beautiful. The sky was beautiful and the clouds looked like giant birds in the sky. I was driving home in my new car, windows down, music on, and it hit me like a ton of bricks. There is beautiful blessings in my life, because I choose to see beautiful blessings. Many people would probably walk a day in my life, expecting some kind of magic dust to follow them around. Many probably believe I live this magical life….but the truth is, my life is very typical.
I work hard, I am a mother first, I deal with illness and I am fighting my way through life like everyone else. They would have to get up a 4:30am and start their day. Get their workout in and then make lunch for the boys. Then get them up and moving, fed breakfast and drove to school. Back home to finish getting ready for work, it is a jam packed day. You have seven massages to get through and three are deep tissue. You are sore and tired and your feet kept you up half the night, but you have taken all your vitamins and done your yoga, so you push through. You drag yourself out of work and to the high school for the football game. Once they are finished you wait for your son, and he is starving so you try to find something to eat for him and finally roll into bed at 11pm. That is how our Fridays roll….it is magical, because I find magic.
"Those who don't believe in magic will never find it." - Roald Dahl
I get to do those things! I get to wake up in the morning, some do not get that privilege. I get to move my body, and dance. I get to drive with the boys all over the place, car talks are my favorite! All parents can agree, these are the moments to talk about the “big stuff” because they cannot run away! Lol I see my clients as opportunities to touch others’ lives in a positive and beautiful way. Not just for their physical body, but their mind, their sprit. I am blessed to have a son in band, and thankful I get to watch him do something he enjoys. My days are magic, because I find the magic. That makes me a pretty special person…..that energy is reciprocated! When you focus on magic, magic happens! That is why I am blessed and protected. One of my favorite things about people is that they are special in just them being them. I have many of these people in my life. They are not “special,” they are just them….which is special! For example, Lorie, she is just special. If she is awake in the morning when I leave for work we sit and chat for a few. She always fills me up and I hope to do the same for her. When I leave it is the same, I roll down my window as I drive off and I blow her a kiss. She stands there until I am pulled all the way out of the driveway waving goodbye. I love it!!! Well the other day I saw her out the window and she was waving….sure enough her daughter was pulling away and she was seeing her off. Lorie does that for everyone, because SHE is special, not because they are (although I am sure they are!!!!).
I realized yesterday on the way home that, that was how to explain being so blessed. When you look for the special in people, you will see it. When you look for the blessings in your job, you will find them. When you look for the blessings in your children…..you get the point. So, it is not about deserving anything, it is about looking for it. Searching it out. When I felt all that last night, it was intense. Then I got home and had a message from my lawyer. We have a financial support hearing on Monday and evidence was turned over. In Leo’s evidence was a picture off of Instagram of my tattoo. She said I may want to make my account private. He was also turning over text messages about me booking my weekend at the beach condo next month. Guys…..literal steam was shooting out of my ears. My heart was racing so badly. I was so mad, and yet…I knew this was going to happen.
This was always going to be the hard part for me….what are you worthy of Staci? I knew Leo would bring up my life to prove that I am not in need of any spousal support. I knew that because Leo thinks he should be able to live a lavish and beautiful life because he spent a lifetime earning it. But so did I. Why does he deserve nice things, and I should live on welfare? Why should he get to go on expensive trips and I not be able to do a weekend at the beach? My lawyer suggested putting my Insta account on private, but I am choosing not to. I am choosing to not live that anymore. That tattoo was a gift. I use to take the money people gave me as gifts and use it for boring stuff like bills and groceries. This time I took all the money from my graduation gifts and bought myself a tattoo…..and I do not regret it and I will not let his shit way of thinking make me feel anything negative about doing just that. I would do it again in a heartbeat and I do not care who knows it. Still doesn’t mean I should live not being able to afford groceries!
"Self care is the new health care!"
I love what I do, but it is hard work. It is mentally and physically draining….that ONE weekend at the condo is recharging. It is a way to recharge and reconnect. It is not about luxury, it is about health! If I want to continue to do this thing I love, I must take care of my wellness. That means spending time at the beach. Going hiking. Playing football in the yard. Doing yoga, going to church, meditation, blogging….the list goes on and on. Most of those things I named cost me ZERO dollars. I do not get my hair did, I do not go get my nails done. I do not spend a bunch of money on clothes or shoes. I don’t drink and I don’t go out all the time. I spend ONE FUCKING weekend at a condo (the same weekend he is going to the Bears game in Tampa!!!!!!!!!!!) and now this is “evidence” of what I do or don’t deserve? Shut the fuck up!!! I cannot even wrap my head around this train of thought! I was so angry. How dare someone think they get to pick apart (only the parts that tell their story) my life and try to put me back into that old way of thinking. “You do not deserve this kind of love.” I DO deserve to live a beautiful life, and I will not be made to feel like I should have to “defend” how I live to anyone else.
After fuming and crying. My body shaking, I had a panic attack….it was awful. But then something cool happened, I redirected my thought to responding, not reacting. We all knew this was going to happen. Many people had warned me about posting my spending online. Or being so open in my blogs. People have warned me about letting him have to kids more than he should, and him possibly making a clone of my phone to see all my messages….I have been warned because people do these things, and after Leo stole my journal, I do not put it past him at this point. The thing I always say to them is ”I don’t care what Leo sees.” And that is the truth. This is my life and I will not spend any time proving myself to someone else. I act authentically and I am honest in the way I feel. I don’t care if he sees my conversations, or my text messages. That is all karma he will carry, not me. I will not hide my life away. Let him watch….If the universe sees fit that I do not “deserve” any support that is what will be….and I will still kill it. If the universe deems I should be helped and provided for, it will be so.
"Happiness is an inside job!"
I have no clue what this world has planned for me, but I do know this, whatever happens Monday, or any other day, I will be protected, because I protect. I find the ways to be protected and I cuddle myself up in there, and I let the protection wrap me up. Whatever life looks like is just as surprising to me as it is to everyone else. I have no clue what I am doing, except I am looking for magic. I also know this, I will always, in my moments of prayer, pray blessings over Leo. I love him, even after all this, I still want what is best for him. I am not better than Leo, I just made different choices. I am not regretful of our marriage, look at the memories we made, and look at our boys. I simply want the same thing everyone else does….I want my life to be filled with blessings. Money does not give you blessings (I know because I currently have none and I am surrounded by blessings), money will never be what makes or breaks me, because my blessings are not bought things. Money can however offer me peace, it can provide a nice home for me and the boys to live. It can take us on awesome adventures and feed our bellies with yummy food, but it cannot and it will never, give me happiness.
"The resilience of the human spirit and the validity of love inhabits us to rise above our tribulations and fly again"
So, after a really rough evening, I woke up determined to stay focused on the important stuff. The important stuff is always love…..if we function from that place always, love will always function for us in our places. I know I am cared for, and loved. By the universe, by God, by my angels and my friends. I am loved by my mother most of all and her love is never wavering. I have a beautiful job, and work with the most amazing set of ladies. I have clients that fill me up and that allow me to fill them. My children are beautiful examples of what makes my world blessed. We have the most amazing conversations, and even when we disagree, I know I am making a positive impact on their futures. I leave a good energy on others and I am resilient in my pursuit for peace. I lead with grace and compassion, and I spend my down time helping others wherever I can. I am talented and gifted in all things crafty, and each thing I make is filled with a special magic that is not duplicated. I am “deserving” of all the magic, so I am going to gather it up, piece by piece and weave it into my life like a golden thread. I am “deserving” and there for I will search the magic out like going on a treasure hunt….for the thing you look for will always be the thing you find.
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