I have been oversharing a lot lately on FB….either, I am sorry….or, you’re welcome! LOL I know there are probably a whole lot of people wishing I would stop talking so much, and I can respect that. I share EEEVVVRRYYYthing…LOL I think it is because I always hope someone reads it and either knows someone else knows what they are feeling, or possibly sees what I am going through and chooses better so they do not have to deal with the same stuff. I have had people reach out to me and tell me they are inspired, they have thanked me for being so open because it has inspired them. Are some of them just blowing smoke up my ass? Of course….but I know who those ones are and I am aware….but I mean the ones that actively change their lives (because I watch them) and say “You helped me through this, and you didn’t even know you helped me.”
"You will never influence the world by trying to be like it!" - Tay Lauren
Most are women, women that watch me living from a place of complete love of myself. Complete devotion to being everything I want to be. Some are people who are in bad relationships and they have watched me go through this divorce with fearless abandon to have what I want in life, but some are people who have reached out and said I help them SAVE their marriage because they have watched my story unfold. These people are my favorite….I am not “against” marriage, people! I love a good love story as much as the next. I AM love. I literally love everyone and everything. I love all the moments, good and bad….I love life. I love, love! Lol It is a beautiful thing, but it has to be given and received with grace and for oneself as much as for your partner. Marriage is an amazing partnership…..but if you only pour into one another and never into yourself, it will fail. Because you will look to someone else to fill you up and inevitably they will let you down. I am however against the “institution” that is marriage. A piece of paper is not what bonds you….vulnerability does, intimacy does, pain and struggle bonds you, marriage….nah!
I believe in God….I believe God is energy, the Ultimate energy source. Everything that lives and dies, does so with this energy in them. I believe you can pull all the power of God into you (the Holy Spirit) and I believe THAT is how you live your best life. You pull all the energy of God through you, and because God is the ultimate source of energy, there is nothing you cannot have or do….through that energy….God. I know this is what changed my life. I know that night on the floor of my hallway that is what I called into me. I asked for purpose. I asked to find a way to live my best life with purpose….I did not ask what my purpose was, I know that….my purpose is to make the world a better place. My purpose is to live fully and colorfully. My purpose is to LIVE, period. But to live WITH purpose…that requires the spirit of God to live through you…it is powerful and it is my favorite way to live. To impact all of life through living with purpose….beautiful!
"God IS......"
I love knowing I have made an impact on life. Even if in a small way….to know my life has impacted the life of another is the highest honor for me. This is why massage has become such a beautiful thing for me. I get to impact the lives of others in a beautiful way. They feel good when they leave, they feel “better”. I use to think being an empath was both a curse and a blessing, but I see it only as a blessing now, I can feel what you’re thinking! No, I am not a mind reader, so do not ask me that….but I can FEEL your emotion and so I know what you are feeling, I may not know why or how to “fix” it, but if I know, then I can adjust my energy to help….I do this through massage, but also through sharing my thoughts and experiences. I do this when I hug others, when I bake for them or make them something. I am giving you pieces of my energy. So, oversharing is just a part of that…..so, again…..you’re welcome, and, I am sorry! Lol
I have been oversharing because everything is moving so fast right now. Everything I have prayed for, everything I have tried to manifest for my life, and the life of my family….it is happening, ALL AT ONCE! Lol It is intense. One of the things I have said over and over is this: Failure is NOT an option. If I was going to fail, I would have stayed married. We were failing….divorce was not the failure, trying to stay married was. I teach my boys this, when you are faced with something in front of you that is making you scared, frustrated, sad, angry (insert any negative feeling here), you have to stop and think about it rationally. Your mind is a beautiful and tragic place to be, you must learn to control it. Here are the steps: Can you change it? If you can, get yo ass up and fucking change it!!! Stop making excuse, stop blaming others, stop finding ways to stay in those negative emotions and do something different!!! Stop being comfortable in your pain, and grief……Second step, if you cannot change it, if it is out of your control, then change how you react to it. Change your mindset about it. CHANGE your mindset, not the circumstances. Some circumstances are out of our control, but you can change how you react, and so in return, you ARE changing the circumstance. It is scary to change so you need to first change how you see it, then you can get to changing it! The last step (in my opinion) is the hardest, because I am a control freak! If it is out of your control, and you have done all the things to help you deal with it by taking the steps to own your responsibility in the circumstance…..just let it go. Most things are not completely out of your control, they are just scary and hard to change, so we chose to THINK they are out of our control, it keeps us “safe” it keeps us “comfortable”. But when you rationalize your feelings, you can control it….and if you cannot control it you MUST walk away and leave it.
"You do not have to control your thoughts, you have to stop letting them control you. - Unknown
My divorce was a “circumstance”….LOL what a cluster. I could change things, I knew that. I could change things and find happiness, and when I did that, it made Leo even more unhappy. Lol I improved my life, doing yoga, going to church, meditating and praying. Taking time to find time for me….it changed my marriage, but not for the better. To try to speculate on “why” that happen is not really the part I have to worry about anymore, so I have released that. It is out of my control…that is on Leo to figure out why my happiness made him so angry. I have my thoughts but he is the only one that knows that truth. I release that….but I knew the ONLY way I could control the circumstance was to leave. There comes a point where giving away those pieces of yourself is no longer fulfilling. It is draining, and it is making you sick! I can FEEL what you are FEELING….and Leo was feeling miserable! He blamed me for that (again, not something I have to worry about the “why” anymore, but I did worry for YEARS and YEARS why I was not making him happy. What was I doing “wrong”, how could I be “better”) When I called God into me, when I asked to live with purpose….I decided to love who I was FULLY! This meant I no longer tried to be what he needed to be happy…whatever that is, isn’t in me, it is in him.
"Happiness is an inside job. Don't assign anyone else that much power over your life." - Mandy Hale
Step one: Can you change it? Sure I could have changed (again). I could have tried to “improve” (again). But would that change my marriage? Would that have made it better? It didn’t all the other times I had tried to raise up to an expectation placed on me (whether Leo placed that on me or I placed it on myself….no clue, but it was there). It just isn’t that simple and life does not work that way. The ONLY way to change it, was to leave. If you think I came to that decision easily, you are fucking insane! “Easy”….what a word! It is all relative. Nothing worth having is easy….and most things worth having are worth doing it while it is hard. I was worth happiness. I was worth everything living with a purpose was showing me! I was worth doing it scared. But I had no clue how hard it was about to get.
Step two: Change your reaction to it. Well, I could control my circumstance by leaving but controlling my emotions attached to that, and dealing with the feelings of my family about choosing this route….that is hard af! I FEEL what you’re FEELING! (Remember) So, I know what my family is feeling. They are sad, this is all we have known for almost 20 years. A team…a family. They do not want that to end, and I can relate to that. But my kids only saw the surface of what that “family” looked like. Leo and I were fighting A LOT. Mean things were being said. Words are powerful!!! When you start saying awful things to people it is really hard to maintain a family. Those words spoken over the people you love, define how the see themselves….speak good things, please. Tell people how they bring joy to your life, it is so important. The boys didn’t see that part….you know what else they didn’t see, intimacy. Leo and I didn’t hold hands, we didn’t kiss, we didn’t hold each other. (This is a place I freely own the “blame”. You cannot give what you do not have. You cannot know what you do not know. I have a lot of unresolved issues in this area and it is why I choose not to date. I have to heal first, I will not make the same mistakes. I will not hurt someone else by not knowing how to be intimate, worse than that, not knowing how to receive intimacy….) we were so disconnected. I remember we were watching a movie with the boys once and the parents were kissing and Austin said “Why are they doing that right in front of the kids?” These people were not making out….they were passionately kissing. I left the room and cried. What were we teaching them a “family” looked like?
My kids are torn. They love us both so much, and we both love them. The only time Leo ever cried about this divorce was when we talked about the kids. We both come from divorced families. We swore we would never do that to our kids….divorce is hard on kids. He said “I don’t want to lose my kids!” I promised him, he would not lose his kids. We know what hurt us as children, when our parents divorced. What made us feel unworthy, and what made us uncomfortable. We may not be able to keep the promise NOT to get divorced, but in a way we can, by doing it better. I am determined to make this the best decision for everyone….but I just need them to trust me. Trust that I KNOW this is best. Trust that I KNOW we are going to be provided for in all the ways we need. Trust that these feelings will pass and you will find yourself in the most beautiful life. I FEEL they are scared, but I also feel they trust me. They trust that I will do what I say……and these last couple weeks have been a whirlwind of me proving it!
I feel the need to share that with people. My boys are AMAZballs….none better…..I am amazed by them every day. They are funny, they are smart, and they are kind and compassionate. They do not listen to a damn thing I say. They fight all the time and yet Austin made sure to bring Zachary a string of lights for his new room, because he knew he would be scared. They are crazy and unruly but man, I just love them. I love their souls. They are beautiful and they are my magic. To watch them grow right in front of my eyes, magic! To watch them take the scary feelings and make them better….to watch as they take the steps to rationalize their fears. Watching them find the joy even when the WIFI is slow. Having them feel comfortable enough to tell me they are angry, or scared….knowing they have a place they can be honest with their emotions and they are ALLOWED to feel those things (especially as young men!), That is my magic! Watching them realize they can express themselves, AND they can figure out how to take control of those feeling…..magic!
I share all of this, and will continue to…because this is life! It is hard, and complicated. There is illness, and death. There is marriage and kids, and there is divorce AND KIDS! They are watching us. They are NOT listening but they hear you and more importantly, they are watching you. You have to live by the words you speak, and then speak all the good words! You have to live knowing, failure is NOT an option! We are not doing that here…we are thriving, we are growing, we are doing all the hard things, and we are more than likely doing it while we are scared and angry. We are doing the hard things while we second guess if we even want to do the hard things….and then doing them anyways. We are doing this hard thing called life and we are doing it while expressing all the emotions (because I can FEEL them anyways, might as well tell me! Lol). We are talking about how someone makes us feel, we are expressing what we need to feel safe and loved. We are living with purpose, and that means loving ourselves fully. To love yourself fully means you need to express yourself fully. Never dull your spark, or quiet your words! Let your words drive you into everything you want…and let your spark light the way!
Nothing can stop us…..we’re all the way up!!!
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