I know…..I know!

I have the tools! I have been collecting them my whole life. My tool box is full of all the tools I need to succeed, and yet……

Why is it so hard, even once you have the tools…..why does it seem so hard to USE them. Like, you have done the hard part, you have endured the shit and you have exited the other side of it with a new perspective. This now becomes your tool. It is the very thing you need to fully understand how to better deal with that situation the next time you face it, because let’s be honest…..you WILL face it again, and again, and again! Over and over you will encounter the very things that tried to break you. Usually in different situations or different circumstances….but it will come back around. It always does. I think maybe each time you have to face the same “trigger” or the same fear, it makes you stronger. Each time you find ways to deal with it and each time it is a healthier way, and so you grow your tools each time. I do believe that is what we are here to do (among other things of course). To face each thing, each time we should use the tools we have learned…..but why is it so hard?

When I talk about my struggles I talk about them as if I am done struggling with them. As if I have somehow “conquered” this fear and when it shows up next time I am going to kick its ass. But it shows up and I come out swinging my brand new tool only to find that the handle is broken or the blade is dull. Maybe the instruction are drawn out in those funny little pictures and I have NO CLUE how to use this fucking thing. Lol I get frustrated because I could have sworn I had dealt with this trauma. I have learned the things to do to stop all the noise in my head, to calm myself AND YET there I am each time, wondering how in the help I am going to overcome THIS challenge.

I want to be clear, as we are just starting to get to know each other, that my challenges may not be “as bad” as someone else’s. My challenges may pail in comparison to others, but I will tell you from experience…..I am challenged, none the same. I have been loved my whole life, but I never felt it until recently. I always felt unseen and unnoticed. I felt like I never fit anywhere….that does not mean someone “made” me feel that way, because they loved me a lot. I just never felt good enough in my own skin, so that made me think others felt the same way about me. Perspective! Mine has always been fucked up! I am smart, not “genius” smart by any means but I thrived at school until the depression set in. I did well in most of my classes, but I still didn’t feel like I was measuring up. Measuring up to what? I have no clue. I think it is important to understand that while we may all be in this thing called life together, traveling down the same river…..we are NOT in the same boats. Perspective!

So, please understand as we move our relationship forward…..I was very much loved and very adored by the people in my life and I am very blessed by that!

Perspective is where my challenge has always been…..I have never (up until three years ago) saw myself as worthy of anything. I did not feel like I was good enough in any area of my life. So you can imagine how many times I have had to try to overcome this issue. It has presented itself in every instance of my life. Every time it presents itself to me I come out swinging one of my fancy tools only to find myself a crying mess, curled up in the fetal position and wondering if I will ever feel the peace my soul longs for. I often go back to that night on the floor of the hallway and wonder what changed? What was the “magic” that seemed to help me better understand the tools needed to live a peace filled life. What happened, what changed? I do believe I have a list of the tools I have gathered over the years that I was just not using correctly (the instructions were in a foreign langue, I swear!!!) Here are some of my favorites!

Gratitude – By far the best and most powerful tool in my collection! Being thankful for all the things that are good in your life, is super important. I have always been grateful for my family and friends. Our beautiful life we build was just amazing and I was thankful to be able to raise my children as a stay at home mother. I was thankful for my health (until I lost it) and was thankful I had gotten sober (but not while I was drinking). It is so easy to be thankful for these things, but we need to use gratitude as a way to draw goodness into us when the bad is all we see. It is so easy to see the bad around us. The failures and the struggles but in each of those situations, there is something to be grateful for. It is easy to complain when life gets tough, but I promise…..there is something you can be grateful RIGHT NOW. Seeing that and understanding it will change your life. Seriously!

Self-love – This is one that took me a lot longer to understand…..I just never understood how I could love myself when I was so messed up. So broken. How do you stop seeing all the broken pieces and learn to love yourself just as you are? I still cannot pinpoint what changed except I started talking to myself nicer. I started looking at myself, like REALLY looking at myself. All my rolls, all my dimples. The imperfections…..I started telling myself that those imperfections were exactly who I was supposed to be. That those things that feel “wrong” were not wrong but instead perfect for who they were on. They were mine and if I had rolls I imagine I enjoyed getting them. If I didn’t want rolls, I didn’t criticize myself about the rolls, instead I told myself they were cute, and maybe just moving a bit more could make them even cuter. This was not something I was comfortable with (and still sometimes catch myself criticizing my body). This one takes a lot of practice and I believe it is something that many will always struggle with because, although they tell us to love ourselves and care for ourselves….many will judge you when you start to do exactly that.

You will be called selfish, and attention seeking. You will be looked at as if you are full of yourself when you declare your love for yourself. Do it anyways…..and just keep doing it!

Faith – This is a touchy little tool and using this tool has a way of making others feel defensive but I say, have faith in whatever lights you up. But PLEASE have faith in something. Faith is that tool that helps you use all the other tools better. Because it sets your mind to understand that no matter what happens in life….there is a bigger thing at work. Even death…..often times in death we can fully understand better what someone gave us, what they made us feel and although that seems sad it is also a beautiful way of knowing that a person is never gone…they live on in you! Faith tells us that fear has no place in our hearts. It tells fear to take a flying leap because even if we fail we walk away with experience and knowledge. We walk away with a better perspective. Faith tells us that we CAN DO the impossible (any time I say it is impossible my youngest son says “Mom, the word itself says IAMpossible” Love that kid!)

Faith is the pillar that I will build my life on and because of that I cannot fail!

Empathy – This little tool has been with me forever but I think it wasn’t until recently that I fully understood how empathy worked. I think I always thought when I felt empathy for someone else that meant I had to figure out how to “make it all better”. I wanted to take their pain (and many times I did take their pain) and make it feel better. This was so damaging to my mental and physical body. It felt like I walked through life with everyone else’s burdens on my shoulders (and I probably did). It wasn’t until my awakening three years ago that my mentor and sistAr taught me better how to hold light for others, without absorbing their pain. I have to say, this tool is a tricky one and it has a sharp blade on the end. I have made myself bleed many times trying to use this tool in the best way. I still need a first aid kit close when I am trying to use my gift for the good of others….because I just want everyone to be happy. This tool has done the most damage to me and my life, but I am always learning new ways of using my gift of empathy for the good of all…..this time, myself included.

I have learned that having empathy is very important in life but being an empath is my gift and using that in the right way will change lives, but not by ME healing THEM but by ME teaching THEM to heal THEMSELVES! Holding light…..I will hold light for them all.

This is a short list of my “tools”, the list of tools I use and that can be used in life is long….but I truly think the secret to any of these wonderful tools is to practice using them. I think every time the opportunity comes along to use these tools you have to make that choice and then choose to really understand how this is changing your life (even when you hurt yourself in the process). The more you practice something, the better you get….we all know that. So, practice until it becomes second nature….and then practice some more. It will get easier to recognize which tools are best for which moment (sometimes you have to dump the whole fucking toolbox out to find the right combo) but they are in there. I still get frustrated with myself when I fail to find the right tool…..but I just keep reminding myself that the more I try to use them, the more I will learn about HOW to use them right, and then I can build my peace filled life using these tools that my trauma filled life taught me.

Full circle…..and grateful for it all!