Who is controlling your life? Who is thinking all your thoughts? Who is making all the choices? This is a really basic and easy question…..the answer being you! You are the one who is making all the choices. So, why do so many of us keep making choices that make our lives more difficult?
My youngest son is really struggling lately. I mean tears, literal meltdown before bedtime. It started less dramatic in the beginning but I noticed it and knew it was more than likely attached to our divorce. He gets really upset and sad when Leo is not here at night. He is fine all day because he is distracted but at night, like with most of us, the quiet it too loud and we get inside our heads. That is where the “demons” lie for some of us. His is fear….God love him, he gets it from me. He gets so anxious about things he cannot control. He wants to know the how, the why, and the outcome before he even gets started. That fucking brain, I tell ya, it is a tricky place to sit. At night time though, it is quiet and still, and we get to wondering…..
"ps: do not believe the things you tell yourself while possessed by the demons of your inner shit."
I think he attaches that fear to physical fear because he is eleven. I think the real fear is in knowing there will be times in the near future where this will be his norm. Leo will not be there at night, and it is a permanent thing. Because let this be understood….those boys have spent MANY nights in this house and Leo not be here. Actually, for MONTHS at a time. We are not strangers to being without daddy. So, that fear is stemming from somewhere else and I think it is in the not knowing what that next place looks like. What does it feel like? Will I like it there? Will I feel safe? How is my life going to change? He wants all the answers….and as the person who feels “responsible” for the divorce, this breaks my heart into all kind of pieces that I do not have them for him.
I sat in bed crying one night, and I prayed to God. I asked him to please help me guild my son. Please help me take everything I had been working on in the last three years (the inner work, my awakening, as I like to call it) and use it to help him. I know this divorce is the right thing, for all of us, and in time that will be obvious as we move forward into our future, but there is guilt in my momma heart too. I am the one that asked for a divorce. I am the one to “blame” for our divorce. I am not however the "reason" our marriage ended….but that is a whole different blog, and one I do not intend on writing any time soon. I asked God to help me put that “guilt” aside and just figure out a way to make it better. I don’t hear God’s voice in the physical, but I do hear God talk to me, and this is what he said "Rule your mind, or it will rule you” – Buddha, by far my favorite quote EVER!!! And one I have shared with the boys over and over…..
Since staring massage therapy school I have learned from a scientific place, and while doing my inner work over the last three years, have understood this on a very deep level. Our minds are SO powerful! I mean…they control your whole fucking body! It is all connected, and it works so beautifully together. I was listening to a sermon the other day and he said “Science is more of a way to PROVE God exists than to disprove it. I mean…..when they find the smallest of details I think “That is God” and when they find the most distant galaxy in the universe I think “That is God”.... I cried!!! He is so right! The scope of the way things work, because they just work that way…is amazing to me. Fascinating, really! So, as I have been learning more and more how truly powerful the brain is, I started to understand that is how you heal. Not only your body, but your life! Control that thing, damn it. When something starts hurting, and you start saying how it makes you feel, replace the negative with a positive. It is really that easy to control!!!
….hahahah and yet it is the hardest fucking thing in the world to do!!!! Try it…I double dog dare you! It has been the hardest thing to learn but once I understood, that this was the key to my happily ever after, I have not let up trying to fully embrace it. It is a lifestyle change for sure. You have to keep centered on the gratitude in each moment, even the shit ones, and find the lesson. Find the joy in the sadness, the smiles in the cries. Inject humor into everything, and compliment everyone! It is really changing the way you think about each moment, so then you get to control how you feel each time something happens. It is hard, and it does not always work because we all have trauma and we have past events that can make this hard…..but I do believe it is the secret to life! We have all been “programed” in some ways, so changing the way you feel about something is hard. BUT the best part about this secret, is it is NOT a secret! Your brain controls your body…..you control your brain! Program it with good stuff. Change the hormones that are released by changing what you “feed” it, both physically and thoughtfully.
Here is how I believe we start doing that, each thought that is based in fear, you have to break it down….is it rational? Can this thing you are scared of be controlled? Can you do something to control the outcome? If you can, than do it! Change it!!!! Stop sitting there being sad, or angry about it AND FUCKING CHANGE IT!!! This goes for your heath, your job, your marriage…..anything!! You have the choice. Is it EASY to change it, of course not! Life is not easy, it is growth and it is pain. We grow most in the hard stuff, so no….it is not easy, but it is worth it, and sitting around being scared or angry IS NOT WORTTH IT! You change it by changing your thoughts, you change it by doing something different than what you are currently doing. You change it by CHANGING!!! The very definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result. If you do the same thing you have always done, then the same thing will keep happening!
"People do not change with time, people change by choice!!"
The second choice is the fear you are feeling is NOT rational! This means, the shit you are scared of is never going to happen, and if it IS going to happen, you cannot control it. The control is not in your hands. This fear is even harder than the first because you now have to convince yourself to stop worrying about something you cannot control (for someone who likes to control everything, this is hard as fuck!!!) So, that is when what we feed our brains becomes very important….it becomes about saying “Ok, I have no control over the actual “thing” but I can control how I react to the “thing” and move forward with a better outlook”. Find the joy, find the blessing. I love the saying “Collateral Beauty” Such a beautiful way to live….inside the pain and fear, find the beauty. It isn’t hard as much as it just takes a change in perspective, over and over and over……and over again!! Then one day it starts to become your norm. You start to feed yourself the good stuff and then more good stuff happens. This type of fear is, in my opinion, the one most people have a hard time with. They try to control the outcome of the thing instead of their reaction to the thing.
I have been doing a lot of inner work over the past three year and it only accelerated when I asked for a divorce. It had to. I had taken the biggest leap in my sober life AND decided to start going back to school….what?!?!?!? Talk about a fear littered brain! I needed this to work though. I need to know that getting a divorce IS the answer and I need the future to be beautiful because I choose it! I choose this, now I HAD to make it the best choice! I will not stop until my future is everything I see it as being! That determination is only realized as truth when you put the work in to get it. NOW, as I sit here going to school and not only enjoying it BUT fucking excelling at it, I know it was all preparing me for this moment, this little human sitting in his bed crying. He said to me….”I think I need mental help!” Can you imagine your eleven year old saying this to you while tears are running down his face!?!? It was heartbreaking. I told him there is NO shame in thinking that. There is no shame in wanting that and we will get that for him if he wants it BUT I also told him this “I am going to get you the best mental help ever! I have the perfect set of therapist in mind!” He said (with the most beautiful smile) “Who, you???” lol I said "Well yes, I have a lot of tools to teach you, the tricks of the fear trade if you will, and to not share those with you would be a disservice to being a mom, but I was think even bigger than that.” He said “God? I need God!” This really made my face light up, that he knows God is always willing to give us mental help. I said “Yes, God will give you mental help! He gave me some just the other day while I was praying to him, to help me help you. He said “Rule your mind, or it will rule you! God gave you the most beautiful mind. You are one of his special souls, sent to touch the lives of all those you touch. But he needs you to take back control of your mind, son.” He smiled the biggest smile and said “It’s me….I am the best therapist!!!” What a beautiful kid!
We talked the next morning and we have come up with some other ideas on how to calm our mind in those moments. How to remember our truths and to remember that we get to control all our thoughts. But I told him this “I promise you, I didn’t go through all the struggles in my life for nothing. I have learned so many tools to helping me live my best life. If any of those tools will help you, we are going to use them. We are going to figure this out….I promise we will!” So, we came up with some ideas and we are going to try to get the whole family involved. Here were some of them, maybe they will help you or your loved ones that are struggling with the uncertain times of our world. Try these…..I promise they will help!
*Gratitude journals are a MUST! Each day…ten things you are grateful for. Younger kids may need to start with less but adults should be able to find ten things a day to be fucking grateful for. Lol I like to decorate mine with pretty colors and stickers. I print pictures sometimes and I thumb through on my hard days. I remember all I have to be grateful for. Try to gage how simple each entry is by the age of the person. I like to be detailed in what I feel. I talk about “why” I feel grateful and how I feel. Younger kids may just be able to say something simple like “Birds” Use that as an opportunity to ask them questions about it…but let them direct it.
*Breathe!!!! Shit people!!! Do you know what keeps the brain alive? Oxygen! No oxygen, no brain….breathe! When things feel overwhelming, take a few cleansing breaths. Focus on the source of pain, and breathe into it like you are casting out the devil himself! Just breathe in fresh, beautiful breath! It will help re-center what you are feeling! BREATHE!
*Control your mind! Feed it good stuff. Stop so much electronics, get outside, and connect! Read, write, draw…be creative! Get doing something that has meaning behind it. Volunteer and be of service to others. No better way to make your brain feel better than to help another person. Creating is the best way for me to get some good vibes flowing too. Singing, dancing, moving my body. It all gets my brain sending signals of joy to my body, makes my body feel better.
*Yoga, and meditation. Many people think of yoga as exercise and I guess it is, but I see it as connection. Connecting to my body and feeling how it moves. Feeling my breath, feeling the stretch. Connecting to my thought while in a deep state of consciousness. I look at meditation, not as a clearing of all my thoughts but instead as a deep connection to each thought. I like to sit with the feelings while in meditation and really try to understand it. This is so important to healing from the thoughts that are based in a traumatic type of fear. Sit with those feeling and try to understand WHY they make you feel the way you do. Why are you being triggered to respond with fear?
*Pray. God is ready to hear what you have to say. He is always there…in the distractions and in the quiet. He is listening and he is ready to help you find peace. I believe that more now than I have ever believed it because I have watched him be very present in my life over the years, and most recently in the last year with this divorce. I have listened as he directed me in my best choices, and guided me through my worst….He has brought amazing people into my life and when he has ushered people out he has helped me keep their impact on me close so as to make the loss less hurtful. He has met me everywhere I have ever been and he will do the same for anyone that asks him!
*Worry Jars. We are creating worry jars for each family member. We will write just a brief word or thought that has us worried….once they are full or each month or week, we will do a bonfire and let that shit go up in smoke! We do not need to keep holding on to those kind of thoughts. They serve no purpose. If you have sat with them, and you have prayed over them. If you have found the joy and gratitude in them, and you have decided to what level you can change it….then just let that shit go already! It is not serving you any good. There is no need to hold on to it.
All of these things are very simple ways to make a big impact on how you rule YOUR brain. If you choose NOT to rule your own mind, someone will see that as a weakness. They will feed you lies and they will try to manipulate your feeling to their own benefit. If you do not control your mind, someone else will. If you do not control your own thoughts and feeling, they will start making shit up. They will start making up their own truths and you will just blindly follow. You will start to believe everything your mind says….but the gratitude in that is you GET TO CONTROL what your mind says! You get to be the boss of your own story.
"You do not have to control your thoughts, you have to stop letting them control you! - Dan Millman
So in closing I say this, If you choose it, then embrace the choice! You get to say what is true and what is not! If you say you are fat, then change it OR embrace it and love the fuck out of the choice. Start changing the way to talk to yourself, and watch as you start to feel love for yourself, just as you are! If you are in a miserable relationship either make moves to change it, or accept those things and embrace them. If you are not willing to choose those two options….leave! You get to choose how others treat you! You get to choose if they see your value enough to stick around. Either choose it from a place of joy and acceptance…..or CHANGE IT!!! Own your life! Make the moves you need to make to see a difference! You get to choose. Choose fear and uncertainty or choose adventure and magic! If you are in fear of the next step, as many of us are right now….take these steps to feed your mind with the good stuff!
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