Crashed

I have a habit (good or bad…I am not 100% sure) of wanting to “fix” it for people. This habit, with much self-love and care, is from good intention and a loving heart but can still be a hard thing to balance. If they are sad, hurting, grieving, angry, frustrated, sick….I want to counsel them. I want to help. I do understand how annoying this must be to others and I am trying to find an even better balance, but trust me when I say. The advice and love I hand out in spades, I also live daily. I try to never give others tips or advice without knowing for sure that, that advice WORKS! I say this certainly because I use these things in my life and they have improved my life in a big way. So, when I advise others to find the gratitude in your pain, that is how I live…..but it is not, and I have never tried to make others believe, easy! It is hard as hell!!!

"Example is not the main thing in influencing others. It is the only thing." - Albert Schweitzer

I live my life best by finding my blessings in everything. I will never forget watching the movie “Collateral Beauty”, if you have never seen this movie, watch it. It will give you a better understanding of how everything has purpose, and everything that happens is for the good of yourself or others. In some way, somehow…..life causes ripples. You may never see these ripples, you may never see that time in your life as impactful to someone or to yourself, but I promise, the ripples are happening. So, by living this way, knowing my actions and the way I live my life, fully and completely can shape someone else’s life…..I try to stay in a positive mindset. One that says “Nothing that is for you, can be against you” – meaning, if it is happening, it HAS to be for your benefit. It is a powerful way to live, but it is (once again) NOT EASY.

Do you know what makes it hard? Life, life makes it hard. Life in not always “positive”. There are so many challenges and obstacles in the way. One of my hardest obstacles is RA. The amount of obstacles I have come encounter with over my 44 years here on Earth (this time) has been plenty. My father being the first one I encountered and one that would take me the longest to figure out. He didn’t physically abandon me. He let me visit some summers, and he called sometimes….but he abandon me emotionally. It was a hard thing to deal with and the residual scars from that I am still learning how to heal but with time I am doing better and better and I have long forgiven him. But I would like to throw this advice out there for those deadbeat parents! Show up!!!! Just show up!! Even if the kid is difficult. Even if they do not really act like they want you there. When they are moody and shitty to you because teenagers can be those things, show up…..and if you CANNOT SHOW UP, leave them alone!!! Just either show up, or bow out. You cannot send them all these messages about whether they are worth your time. They are, and if they are not….then move on.

"You will succeed if you persevere; and you will find joy in overcoming obstacles" - Helen Keller

The next obstacle was my drinking and drug use. I was a party girl….I made really bad choices but I got sober and I started addressing my wounds instead of covering them up. I started to heal, and that is a brave and ongoing choice I make every day. Sobriety is such a beautiful life, and I am so proud of myself! That is where my real awakening started….without that power move, I would not be here! At least not as the person you have all come to know and love. This obstacle is hard because it is ongoing. There are so many emotions wrapped up in my sobriety. When I use to think back to that person, she was separate of who I am now. I did that to detach from the guilt and shame I carry from being that person. The embarrassment of who I was, but I have healed a lot in this area and that person is not separate of me, she is me. She is the same beautiful person I am today, she just could not see it….because she was still battling her first obstacle…..her father abandoning her and her self-worth being questioned. She was trying to numb all the self-doubt, trying to make all the feelings not feel so powerful. I still get sad when I think about that time, but more so in a way that I wish I could hug her. I wish she could see what I see now, and see what a beautiful part she played in the ripples of those she encountered, instead she just felt out of place and unlovable (refer back to first obstacle).

Getting sober would be the best thing I could do for myself. After making that choice I became pregnant and our lives were never the same. There was a lot of looking back, but only in the habit of trying to heal. Sure, marriage is hard and we had our ups and downs. We had our loses and we had our challenges as a couple. We lost two beautiful babies to miscarriage, we have been together while we lost loved ones so very dear to us. Having each other during those loses was such a blessing. Being a military wife was a difficult part of my life, but I do not see it as an obstacle really, because it was a family that I will forever be grateful to have in my life. Developing those friendships, solidifying those relationships was never a challenge, doing it while suffering from anxiety….that was the challenge. Fear will always have a place in my mind, as I am sure it dwells in the minds of many. Always running through the “what if’s”, pointing out all the ways we can fail. Anxiety is a bitch. The only way to deal with anxiety is to “just do it scared”. There will always be ways to fail, but if you can live from a place of even the failures being a benefit to your life, then it is never a failure. That is how I battle anxiety. It is hard because literally, everything scares me! HAHAHA Everything. Making phone calls makes me nervous, going into a store makes my heart race a little. Knowing I have to talk to someone I am not close to, makes me want to be sick. Going places where I may be late or trying to find a “new place” makes me want to cry. It is a real struggle and one that few know I struggle with as badly as I do. I have learned to battle this, because I will never “overcome” it in any other way….it is just a battle I am asked to fight every day and over the silliest things. I do it because what choice do I have? I want to live a full life and that requires doing “things” HAHAHA Anxiety won for a long time, and it held me back from doing some amazing things, but my bravery overcame a bunch of stuff too and I got to do some pretty spectacular things because I chose to be brave.

"A river cuts through a rock not because of it's power, but because of it's persistence." - Unknown

Along with anxiety comes depression. They are kind of like BFFs. Where one is, the other is usually trying to be heard as well. Especially when the anxiety wins and I choose NOT to do it scare. When I chicken out and instead beat myself up over and over about how I should have done it, or I do it and fail, so I beat myself up, over and over, about how stupid I am. Depression comes in to keep me company. Like an old friend she put on the old slide show of all the failures I have been through. She gives a play by play on all the ways I have let everyone down. She reminds me of how I am going to fail again. No matter how good I am feeling, depression can show up out of nowhere. I can feel like I am ruling the world and two days later I am trying to convince myself to get a shower. She sneaks up on me. When depression comes to sit with me, I withdraw. I pull into a safe cocoon, and I stay there until my mind has vomited all over my life. Until I melt into a useless goo. I marinate in her viscous words, I take comfort in knowing I was right, and no one loves me. There is a comfort there…she has been my friend for a long time. There is comfort in the known places, even if those places are toxic. The unknown is a scary place.

All of these obstacles are hard! They are painful and they make me sad. I often wish I didn’t have to go through them, that life could have presented itself as something else for me….but I know they have shaped me into who I am today and I know that I am doing the work to continue to heal and grow, so these things cannot be against me, only for my best life. After getting sober, our life settled into an ease. We were pretty much living a fairy tale life…..RA came in and rocked my world to the core. Here I was, living my best life and RA literally stole that from me. Everything that comes after that point in time, much like getting sober, was different. It was experienced through the lens of grief and loss. It stole my life and I was pissed. I have written before about my trip through RA…and I encourage you to read some of those past blogs, but this isn’t one of those. I do however need to point out, I spent years of my life being angry, sad, resentful, frustrated, and pissed off….all stages of life with a chronic illness. They are stages of grief. They are powerful and I believe they are needed. They walk you through all the feelings, and those feelings are valid feelings. I got to a point though where I was ready to heal, and so I started a process of doing just that. I can show you all the posts from over the years where all I could do was complain and vent about my life…..I no longer live there. I chose to not do that anymore, that DID NOT HOWEVER, stop me from dealing with those feeling. You are allowed to feel those things, just do not get caught up in staying there for too long. It is easy to become comfortable there…in grief. She is another close friend of anxiety and depression. It feels awful in their presence but they have a comfort to their embrace.

"If you find a path with no obstacles, it probably doesn't lead anywhere" - Frank A. Clark

I have also dealt with pain…..lots of pain, and worse than pain….fatigue, fatigue is the worse because she offers a warm and cozy spot for depression to sneak in and settle in with her. They cuddle up with each other and throw snacks to anxiety that is perched in the corner, reminding you that you are tired and in pain, and now depressed. How are you ever going to live up to all those big plans you have laid out in your little book? How do you plan on slaying dragons my dear, when you cannot even eat? How do you plan on being a badass today when you cannot even get out of bed and take a shower? They huddle up into a love pile from hell and they comfort you in your fears. There is real fear in dealing with chronic pain. Will this be your forever? When you look forward it is hard to see joy and success when you cannot bend your fingers. It is hard to see that beautiful life you picture when you cannot stay awake longer than three hours at a time. When a flare hits, it stops everything.

When I choose to heal from RA, one of the things I decided had to change was the way I talked to myself. I could not keep declaring illness over my life and think I was going to live a healthy life moving forward. That is not how manifestation works….or really, that is exactly how it works, what you claim, you will have. So claim health! Claim goodness! I do this every day! If my fingers hurt, I send good vibes and light to them during meditation. If my back hurts, I take a deep breath and I send all good, oxygenated blood to my spine, sending heath to the parts of my body that are in pain. I speak love and magic over my body. It works! BUT when my mind gets tired, it is hard to stay there. Staying in a place of positivity and health is a beautiful place to be, but is can be exhausting. Because I deal with pain every day, it is an everyday thing. It is a practiced way of living that I practice all day long. It can be challenging to stay there, even more so when your mind is tired.

Well, my mind was tired last weekend. I had seriously been studying for two weeks straight. There was nothing else I felt I could do to prepare for the MBLEx, and yet…..I felt unready. I believe in manifestation, I believe the things you speak into your life become your life, but I believe that happens from hard work and dedication to what you want. Manifestation occurs because you set your mind to what you want, and not what you fear…but if you want it, you have to work for it. I had worked hard for this. When I passed that test.....There are no words to say the relief I felt. I cried! I danced! I laughed! I prayed. I had done it all, I had studied, I had my favorite socks, and my lucky boots on. I had slept with my book under my pillow, because it is only silly if it doesn't work. I dabbed a little lavender on my wrist, and I prayed...a lot. I wore the bracelet my sister gave me. And I then after I passed that test...…I crashed!!!!! I left the testing site and went to Hobby Lobby for a few gifts to present to some that have played a beautiful role in this journey, and then I went back to the hotel (I stayed out there in Dothan because anxiety told me I was going to be late for the test, and I wouldn’t know where I was going, and I was probably going to miss it if I wasn’t closer) and I crashed! HARD!

I slept most of the afternoon. Woke up, and ate….and crashed. I woke up the next day and I drove home, and crashed! I woke up Sunday evening for dinner and a hot bath, and then crashed again by 9pm. Leo took the boys to school and trust me when I say…he NEVER takes to boys to school. I could not get up…I woke up twice Monday to eat a little something small but mostly slept. Tuesday I did take the boys to school and then came home and…you guessed it, I crashed. Slept all day, Leo picked the boys up from school and I was only out of bed for like two or three hours to eat a little dinner. Wednesday I went for a COVID test because I thought maybe I was sick….well yea, I was….with RA! No flu, not strep, I had not caught the "roni"….but I was sick, I have RA. I can speak health over my life all day long, and that will always help me live healthier that speaking illness over my life, but I will always have RA. It is not going anywhere. And that is frustrating. It makes me angry and it feels like a slow descend into the comforts of grief, depression and anxiety! How can something so big happen….I passed a test I was so nervous to take! This is a big stinkin deal guys! How can this be the way I have to spend “celebrating”? It has been a rough week over here.

When I get into one of these flares, they happen often, when I push my body harder than it is normally pushed….eventually it pushes back, even a healthy body. When it happens I get so discouraged in myself. I feel angry at my body. I mean, I am healthy. I work out two hours a day five days a week. I eat well, no alcohol or drugs in my system. I sleep well and I do things that fill my soul up with purpose and joy….what the hell! Why is my body turning on me? This is where my thoughts naturally go to. To blame, blaming my body for “letting me down” but this time I did something that was harder to do, I did the uncomfortable thing….I gave my body permission to be sick. I told her it was ok to sleep twenty hours a day if she needed. I told her if she didn’t want to eat or shower…that was ok. I let her be sick and I gave thanks for all the days she stayed healthy. I sat in gratitude for everything she had just done for our future….grace! What a beautiful thing to give.

Grace! Over the course of trying to heal my body…..grace has been the best thing I have learned. It is ok to not always be ok! It is ok to let our body sleep and rest. To pull away from everything and everybody for a while and just be sick. Maybe she is preparing herself for our next big thing. Maybe she is building back up her strength and power for the next push, our next power move. Maybe she is just wore out and tired from being asked to push harder and harder each day I felt like I could not push at all. She deserves a break! She deserves to be heard but it is not easy to give ourselves grace. We give it in troves to others…..forgiving some of the most unforgivable things in others and never giving that to ourselves. I am learning to give my body some grace. The problem is…..others may not be willing to give you that grace.

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." - 2 Corinthians 12:9

It is hard being friends with someone who suffers from a chronic illness. They are a bit unpredictable and they may have to bail out on you at the most selfish times. But I promise they are doing to it to preserve their own bodies. It is not personal, it is necessary. Now, we all have to decide what we can tolerate in our lives and if this is not something people can deal with…I release them from my life. I understand and I release them with no anger, because that must be a hard thing to deal with. It has taken me a long time to get to this place….I am letting the relationships in my life flow in and flow out. I am good with that, but it came with a lot of pain and a lot of loss. Do y’all know what though? When you let people like that flow out of your life….others can flow in and they will be more accepting of your struggles, and when and if they cannot be, they will flow out, and others will come in to help lift you up.

I have these people in my life, the ones I have let flow out, and the ones that came in after they left….they lift me up. They text me in my times of struggle and they encourage me to stay focused on the blessings. They see my absence and they climb down into my love pile of grief. They say all the beautiful things that remind me to stay in a positive and beautiful mindset. I could name them for you, but they know who they are…I have told them, many times over. They know. Another thing I am blessed to find this week, during this awful flare….my new boss is a God sent person. She was so loving and understanding of what stress can do to a healthy body, much less a body that is working from a disadvantage. She was supportive and kind to me. Knowing she is who I get to start the next step of my massage journey with, I am blessed. This could have been the worse thing to happen, at the worse time. To be set up to start a new job and then not be able to follow through...it was such a blessing to know we will have a beautiful working relationship moving forward. She gave me grace and understanding....she gave me what I was needing to give myself and she helped me see that if a "stranger" can give me that grace, I can surely give it to myself. I was able to see that within a moment where seeing any “good” was hard. This week has been rough, BUT it was a week filled with a lot of reflection on everything my body did for me. When I started a year ago, I was doubtful she could do any of this! When I started massage therapy school I had no clue what would come of it. I did it scared as hell, and look at where it took me. I was able to stay in that thought process this week (with the help of a few amazing people) and I woke up this morning finally feeling better. Physically and mentally. I felt like a new person. Still in pain and still tired but knowing everything from this point forward will change everything from this point forward.

"Everything has changed and yet, I am more me than I've ever been." - Iain Thomas

Much like getting sober, or getting sick….this choice to go to massage therapy school. The determination for a joy filled life that lead to a dedication to passing the MBLEx, the people I met along the way, the faith that grew with each passing day that told me I was not doing this alone, and that everything I wanted was mine. The choice to do it scared as hell, was another obstacle overcome, and another turning point in who I am. Another milestone of the beautiful and driven person I have always been. This last week I spent looking back at my journey, not just the one from a year ago, but the one that started the day I decided to take control of my own health. It has been a crazy nine years, suffering from RA will never be easy. There will always be new obstacles as my disease progresses, but I will never stop celebrating everything my body gives me. Every day she gets up and lives life with joy. I will find ways to celebrate her even in her darkest moments. She is a badass!