I speak pretty frequently about how to live your best life. I try to share the things that have helped me live a more purpose driven life. I speak about life from my own personal perspective and I try to make sure everyone understands, this blog is about me and my life. I am not here to change your life. I am not writing this blog to “save” you. We all know, the only person who can save you, is you….but if I can share how I feel, and it means even one person doesn’t feel alone, I have done what I wanted to do, because consistently feeling alone, or like an outcast, is hard. Walking through life feeling misunderstood, and misrepresented is frustrating. When I started this blog I started with ONE rule in mind….those who need to see it, will. That is the intention behind my blog, that the person who needs it, see it. Because it is not about how many people read my blog, it is about that one person that needs to read my blog. It is about manifesting something that works with the universe to be put in front of the one person who needs it.
But make no doubt about it, these are very personal to me. These are my feelings and they can be hard to talk about because it can involve others in my life. We are directly affected by those we allow into our lives, but the good news is we also have complete control over who that is. Making that decision is hard though. What will you allow in your life? Who gets a pass on respecting you? When is it enough, when do you walk away? What if it is your partner, what if it is your family….how do you assure that those who are closest to you display their love for you in a way that fills you up instead of breaking you down? These questions are hard because even though these people do not treat you the way you wish, we keep them around because “we love them” or “they are my family”.
"They burned the bridge, then asked why I don't visit"
I will never forget when my therapist (a long time ago) asked me to list the things about my dad that I loved. I sat there for a solid min trying to come up with something and finally I said “Well, he is my dad.” That was the first time I understood that family does not equal love. Yes, he is my father and I honor the role he played in me being here, because although he failed miserably at his role as a father, he was needed for me to be born….so, I honor that. I also love him, from the perspective as another human being that deserves love, even when they fail miserably at giving love to others. They are still (in my humble opinion) deserving of love (or none of us are, because we have all failed to show up as our best selves to someone else…trust me). What I learned though was that I can honor and love him, and still set his ass right out of my life.
And I did….it would be years after learning this lesson, but I did set him out. I honor him by keeping him in my heart, I honor myself by not keeping him in my life. It was hard, and still is, to not try to repair that relationship (again). It has been hard every time I think of him or see his name pop up in my FB “you may know this person…” Nope, I surely don’t know him, or maybe the truth is I do know him, and I choose to keep that door closed. I know when he dies, it will hurt all over again. I will have to open up those wounds and clean them out. I will sit with regret and anger. I will ask why it couldn’t be different. I will wish away the days after hearing about his passing, wishing I had made a different choice, wishing HE had made different choices. Just because it is the right thing to do, does not mean it is the easy thing to do. All the wishes, on all the stars, and it just wasn’t meant to be.
"Never take the blame for how someone mistreated you" - Khalilah Velez
My marriage was similar. I knew years before asking for a divorce that my marriage was over. I had, in my opinion, tried everything I could to repair things. To live up to what he needed to feel happy. I kept trying to pour into him all the things he needed to feel whole and valued, but it was like pouring into a colander. It all just drained out. It all went unnoticed and unappreciated. I have come to understand that this was not due to a lack of my trying hard enough, but instead his own demons that he will have to sit with when he is ready. We can never expect someone else to make us happy, we cannot ask someone else to do a job we are not willing to do ourselves. I believe very strongly in manifesting the shit we want in life. I wanted a happy marriage. I wanted to live a peace-filled life. I wanted Leo to feel my love like so many others do….but he couldn’t, not because of my lacking but because of his own. I tried for a good five years to repair my marriage. Therapy, self-help books, vacations, date nights, being a better wife, being a better mom, not being so sick, not going to bed so early, not complaining about being sick, not bothering him (he worked ya know) about doing things around the house, not nagging about the yard needing to be cared for, going to the doctors’ appointments and the baseball practices, being happy but not too happy because when I became happy, and he was still miserable….things got worse.
The expectation was, if he was unhappy….then we were all going to be unhappy. And he had made the choice that no matter what was happening, he was not happy. You cannot manifest something, from nothing. You cannot “wish” your life away. When you try to manifest something from an empty thing, you get more of nothing. It becomes as silly as wishing on a star. It becomes like a repeated birthday wish, “I wish we could be happy”. I will never forget the trip to my moms, a place where inevitably ANYONE could be happy….and yet we were miserable. Sure, he faked it well. We smiled for the pictures and hiked the beautiful landscapes together, but as I sat for the most beautiful sunrise, I knew, I could not keep waiting for him to be happy, to be happy myself. Because happiness is not the next place. It is not a better job, or a happy marriage. It is not a beautiful landscape or a balcony with a view….it is created by the very people who are happy. Happiness is consistency….it is choosing happy every time, and understanding that you get to choose, every time. Who do you allow a spot in your life? Are you trying to manifest happiness for someone else? Are you, like me, trying to make something out of nothing? It doesn’t work….take it from me, I have tried.
"Never believe someone cares when he continually shows you he does not."
Manifestation should be called “badassery” – too many people think you actually manifest shit…but that is not the case. Manifestation comes from a consistent intention to do better. A consistent intention to be healthy and make healthy choices. It comes from setting boundaries and honoring those for yourself. It means you are willing to do all the scary things (even if you do them with tears running down your face). It means showing up in the best way possible. Using your gifts to impact others in a positive way. But be very clear…..You cannot, manifest things for another person. You can try to put the lessons in front of them, you can allow them to look at your paper and cheat a little bit, but you cannot do the work for them. THEY must show up with the intention to heal. They must decide to make the hard choices. My whole life got better when I quit drinking. There is no if, ands, or butts about it. I decided, it was the right thing to do, but that did not make it easy. I decided to take back control of my life…this one choice changed my entire life. Had I not made that choice, I have no clue what life would have been like. I have no clue what kind of mother I would have been as an alcoholic. I honestly believe if I had not stopped drinking, I would be dead today. Not from drinking itself, but because of all the things my drinking was hiding. All the trauma would have won….I would have taken my life. I made that choice, because I wanted to consistently choose better for myself, and it was the best thing I ever did.
Consistent choices with the intention to be better. This is the answer, but this is not easy. It is actually really hard because it asks you to not only learn the tools, but to consistently use them time and again. Recently I have found myself dealing with the same issues as with my father and with Leo. People that have been allowed a place in my life, not because they have showed me time and again how much they love and support me….but because “I love them!” Seriously, I love everyone….loving people comes very easy for me, but it puts me in situations where I allow people a place in my life for longer than they should be. I allow my acceptance for others as a whole, to shadow what they really are. I make excuses for their behavior because I see them with empathetic eyes. I see the best in everyone, even as they treat me unkindly, and withhold their love. I forgive over and over because I see they are struggling. I feel their pain and I want better for them. So, I keep trying to manifest a relationship with toxic people….because I want them to feel my love. If they could just feel my love, it would heal them…..NO!!! No….
"Not responding to toxic people is the only response you should ever give."
Your love is not healing! Love is not meant to heal. You heal by doing the work….the shadow work. You heal by making better choices for yourself. You heal by doing the right thing, even when it is hard. You heal by seeing yourself honestly. Healing is setting boundaries and honoring them. You heal by consistently choosing intentions that drive you forward. These are never things you can do for someone else. Your love is not a healing agent. Loving them even though they treat you badly, does not make them love you more. It sets up an unhealthy relationship, where their mistreatment of you, goes unaddressed. Where they feel comfortable disrespecting you, because they know you will love them anyways. It sets up a relationship where they are only required to show up, and you have to do all the work of manifesting something from nothing. They dangle love in front of you like a special treat. Only giving you small pieces of what you need to feel fulfilled. You grasp at their love with reckless abandon, even though you know they will pull it away again soon…like Lucy and that damn football.
I am struggling with this right now….it is one of those instances where I know the answer. I know what must be done. I have done it before. I must set my boundaries and honor those, because I am worth a love that feels fulfilling, in all my relationships. Just because you feel an inalienable right to be in my life. As if just by existing you have earned a place here among my energy. You are wrong. How in the world can anyone expect someone to show up for them with a consistent intention to be their best self, when this person cannot even show up for themselves in that same way? People are damaged, they are broken and bruised. In order to heal, they must make the choices that leads them to a healed life, if they choose over and over to keep walking a broken and bruised life….your love will not save them.
"Sometimes you just have to be done. Not mad, not upset. Just done"
Loving them harder, does not mean they will love you back. Loving them differently, or more often…does not mean they will see you as special. Loving them while they lack any real in depth love for you in return only teaches them how they are allowed to treat you. You cannot manifest something from nothing, you cannot manifest love from another. You can only consistently show up with intentions for a better life, and sometimes that mean they do not get a place among your amazing energy. Not one person in this world should be allowed access to you, if they cannot behave in a way that fulfills your intentions for your best life. Learn who deserves a seat next to you, and put the rest of them out of your life. Not with anger or resentment, but with honor for yourself and what it is you need to thrive. Continue to make the consistent choices that lead to a happy and healthy life….for you! Do not live your life trying to gather love from people who walk through their own life with blinders on. They cannot see you shine…shine anyways! Xo
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