I knew divorce was going to be hard. I knew moving out and trying to co-parent with a person you could not parent with while married, would be hard. I was prepared for the adjustment it would take to get different routines down when I moved out and was kind of aware of the sadness that I would feel when the boys were not with me. I have been the prime person in their life, for most of their life, and I knew once I started working that would have to change and Leo would have to take a bigger role in the “ordinary” stuff. I am thankful that he has done that and I am blessed to know that the boys have a very present father in their life, they are blessed by two people who love them very much. I made sure to do a lot of healing work so that I could really honor their relationship with Leo by not being “sad” when they were with him. I can honor their time with him if I honor my time alone. I fill my time with a lot of amazing people and I sink into self-care and rest.
We grow in the difficult times, we are shaped into our adults selves by our childhood experiences. Our childhood literally shapes who we become. So, if I am viewing this divorce from the eyes of my children, this will for sure be a shaping thing. This divorce will be a part of the trauma that shapes how they deal with life moving forward. I need to do it right. I need to find all the answers on how to do this right, and I must do that….for them, for me, for the generations that came before me and those that will come after. This must not be something that crushes everything they can be, and it must be able to teach them things that serve them in their own relationships as they grow. This is our (me and Leo’s) opportunity to teach our boys about grace, and love.
"The funny thing about kids is, they are the reason we lose it, and the reason we try to hold it all together."
I do not believe in “guilt parenting” – you know, the ol’ “You owe me respect (or fill in any word here) because I am your parent.” I just do not believe our children owe us anything. They never asked to be here, and they are just trying to navigate this world. They do not have to give me hugs and kisses. They are allowed to be angry and hurt. They can have bad days where they feel like acting like an ass…..I never want my kids to feel like they “have” to love me. Actually, not just me, but in general. They do not owe love to anyone. They are allowed to not love people even if those people are family. What they are not allowed to do however, is claim love for someone and not show up in ways that show love. They are not allowed to do that. That is manipulation.
Of course I am their mother so, even when they do, do that, I know they still love me and I understand that they are still navigating this world so they just don’t fully get it…..but they need to understand this: You cannot claim love for another person and then not actively show up in a loving way. Love doesn’t work like that. That is manipulation. You do not get to tell people you love them, and listen to them tell you ways they need to be loved, and NOT do said things for them. I am a firm believer that you cannot make another person happy, you can make them smile, you can cheer them up, you can make them laugh…..but if that person chooses not to be happy, they will never be happy. Love however is different. If a person you claim love for says “I need this from you.” Or “When you do this is makes me feel this way” – you do not get to claim love for them and continue to disregard how you are making them feel. That is not an act of love.
"The great acts of love are done by those who habitually perform small acts of kindness."
I need my boys to understand this, and at the same time give them the space to not have to “make” me feel loved. Does that even make sense? I need them to WANT to make me feel love. Not only because that is the season I am in, but because they will one day be in a relationship where their partner is in this same season. I need to feel the love of those boys. I need to know they are ok, and that they think about me when they are away from me. I do this for people I love. They can attest to it. I wake up and they are on my mind, I tell them. I send a funny text or I send a quick “I love you.” Of course I do this for my boys as well, so they are being reminded all the time that I am still thinking of them even when we are apart….I do that because I love them. I do that because I love my friends and family. I do that because people need to know they are thought of. People want to be seen and known. This is acts of love. This is what the verb “love” is. I need this from my boys, and I have expressed that. I have communicated that very thoughtfully. I have expressed to my children what it is I need, now they (because I know they DO love me) should honor that for me. They should want to do those things for someone they love. These are not big things I am asking for. These are very easy simple ways to let me know you think about me.
"Love is an action. If they say they love you and their actions hurt you. Then what you have is not love."
The problem is, as previously stated, they are kids. They just do not fully understand, they could never, because their brains are not wired to understand. That is where it is our job as parents to teach them, but how do I do that while also accepting that maybe they cannot give those things to me….that was why I walked away from a 17 year marriage. We could no longer give those things to each other. We could not honor what the other person needed to feel loved. I walked away, and in the future they may have to make that same choice, or worse yet, their partner may make that choice for them because they choose to only think about themselves and not give such a simple act of love to another. I want to teach them and at the same time my heart is literally breaking because once again I am verbally asking people I love to show me love in these way and yet again I am being denied. I am being told, in my mind, that I am not deserving of their love. That by choosing this divorce I lost that….and that is hard to deal with.
I obviously am not walking away, and they are not walking away from me (even if they want to sometimes) because they are my children…..so how do I cope with these feeling? While teaching them how to be loving partners in the future? How do I express fully what I need from them without making them feel guilty for not wanting to actively participate in loving another person? They shouldn’t owe me that love, but in all actuality I show up for them every day. I give these boys a BIG kind of love, so am I not deserving of a love like that in return? Am I not deserving of their time? A quick few second to say they love me? I have not earned that in all these years of doing beautiful things for them? Their love for me is so fleeting that they don’t even think about me while they are gone? I never cross their mind? This is heartbreaking….and yet, I should be used to it. Seems that is my demon in this lifetime.
Always the same thing, it always comes back to the same trauma, not feeling loved. So silly, to think that someone that is loved so very much struggles to feel loved. Am I colander? Do I have too many holes? Will I always have cracks where none of the love stays in? Will it all just always feel empty? Will I never be enough for someone to put in the extra effort and time? I feel like I am always begging for others to fill me up and they choose not to. They choose to withhold that from me. Is it me? Am I doing it wrong? Do I want too much? I know the answer is I should not look outside of myself for these things. I know the answer is self-love and the love of God is plenty enough love for one person. I should not “need” people to make me feel loved. I know the answers, but why do the answers not make the hurt any better?
"First and foremost, we must be the adults we want our children to be." - Brene Brown
I have done a lot of work in the area of self-love. For the last four years that has been my goal. To fall totally and madly in love with myself. I think the problem with that is it sets expectations of others, and their love, beyond reach. I know exactly what I need to feel loved. I have sat with the child me for a long time and we have become friends. She needed a type of love that she did not receive, she needed something from her father that he was not able to give her. I do not blame him, I love him, but he fucked me up. I spent the better part of my life seeking love from outside of myself, knowing the people I was seeking it from could never give it to me, and I repeated the trauma for a long time. Every relationship was the same. Look for someone that will never love you, and pour love into them over and over while they tell you it is not enough. That kept me under this dark cloud of never measuring up because I gave the ruler to someone else. I have grown so much in this area because I sat with little Staci and I loved her. I loved her so very much. I handed my father over to God, and I stopped trying to pull love from others, because if they choose not to give it to you, there is absolutely nothing else you can do. I will not walked away from my kids, obviously not physically but not emotionally either. My father didn’t know better, he was taught by a generation that didn’t know better….I know better, and I will do better by them. They must learn to seek out ways of showing others they are seen.
"Be who you needed when you were young."
This is the human connection that sets us apart from the animal kingdom. The ability to feel compassion for another’s worries. Empathy! To not understand someone’s problems, but to still make an effort to ease their suffering. To not get “why” someone needs these things to feel good, but to do them because it feels good when the person you love feels good. If you claim love for another, you should actively set out in your life to make sure that person feels loved by you. This is not asking too much. This is not an inconvenience. This is love! This is what love does. Now, as with anything in life, we all have free will and they can choose to keep not communicating love to me while claiming love…..but eventually I will not believe them. That is not said out of resentment for my kid’s lack, but because if you continue to make choices that hurt people you love, they eventually do not trust that you actually love them. They see your words as not matching your actions….and that, is manipulation.
You cannot operate in healthy relationships this way. If someone you love is saying “I need this from you” and you continue to not give them that, you do not love them. I am not talking about money, or sex. I am not talking about new cars or fancy trips. I am talking about a good morning text. I am talking about an “I love you” call. I am talking about actively reminding people you love that they are being thought of. Tell people when you think about them! Tell people why they inspire you. Talk to people about what you need, be honest. If you need more validation, tell them. If you need more assurances because you are going through stuff, tell them. If you need someone to make you laugh, let your friends know….then watch their actions. Because none of those things are an inconvenience, all are very simple and easy ways to show love and if they choose over and over not to do those things after you ask them to, you now have some difficult choices to make yourself. Life is too short to waste your breath talking to people who are insistent on ignoring you and your needs. I need my kids to know that I am never walking away from them, I will simply learn to go without those things from them because I love them that BIG, but not everyone is their mom, and not everyone will make that same choice. If they want healthy relationship moving forward they have to make the choice to participate in love.
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