Three years ago I asked for a divorce. In those three years I have had an attraction/situationship, “caught feelings” if you will, with a handful of guys. No relationships, we did not date, we just had something a bit extra. Each of those men were what you might call, feral, or the “bad boy” type. It has always been my type. I can only think of a few times where a man pursued me, I like chasing the wild ones. There is something about that wild kind of energy that I find sexy as hell. But we all know, you do not tame the wild man, so when I looked to settle down, I looked for someone that was more tamed. Reserved a little, a rule follower. Leo poured so much affection on me and he was successful, and nice. I didn’t think I dissevered something like that, so I was smitten with someone FINALLY wanting me. I did not chase; he came to me.
I think what is interesting though, is that Leo poured a lot of affection on me, something I was not use to in my relationships, and because he was so put together and tame, I thought it meant I was special. That someone had finally seen me as special. My relationships usually involved me chasing these men that had no interest in anything other than casual here and there, they are wild, and that is what they are. So, I would spend all my time trying to keep their attention, and usually at an expense to myself. Leo felt safe and I believed him when he said he loved me. I believed him when he told me he loved me, that I was worthy of good things. I never believed other guys, they only wanted sex really, so they would say what they thought would get them that…. there was not a lot of truth behind their words because their intentions were not based in love but in desire. I am not even sure what they said is necessarily a lie, but it would be fleeting at most and then they leave you wanting more, but they are no longer interested in giving it to you. They are off to be wild….and they are delicious!
"What we find in a soulmate is not something wild to tame but something wild to run with" - Robert Brault
I love the feral man!!!! He is beautiful. I am attracted to that energy. My healing energy seeks out the wild energy and she wants to nurture it. She wants to care for it, because she worries it is not being loved properly. It is a natural attraction of energies. It will always be what I desire…. but when I was in my twenties, I chased those boys and gave away pieces of me along the way that I will never get back. It is not the feral men that I blame, they are beautiful….it is my lack of understanding in what it should feel like to nurture a feral man, in a healthy and reciprocal kind of way. Caring for others should not drain you, it should fulfill you. Loving someone should not be “hard work.” I am not twenty anymore, and I just spent half my life in a marriage that never fed that part of me. In fact, it all but killed that part of me off. I will not do that again, I want what I want, and I am not going to settle for less than that.
I can feel what I want it to be like, I can taste it. I can feel him with me sometimes. I know it is out there. “Know that what you are seeking, is also seeking you” I can feel his beautiful vibes all over my skin. I want energy that says you are allowed to choose, and every time they choose, they choose me…. not because they have to, but because no other choice feels as good. I do not want to own someone’s life, their choices, and I do not want someone owning mine. I want free, but I want a “no one else will satisfy what we have together so we each always choose the other” kind of love. BUT to get that, I have to heal. I have to learn HOW to love a feral man in a way that doesn’t drain me. In order to do that I have to be open to understanding why I gravitate toward the feral man, the unhealthy reasons. I know the energies attract one another, but there are toxic reasons too. My mom always helps me figure stuff out by giving me questions to sit with. She does not give me the answers, because she doesn’t have them, and she knows that…. the answers are in me, so I must ask me the questions. The question is why? (haha, isn’t it always) Why am I drawn to the wild ones? What about loving the feral man comes from an unhealed place in me? Where am I still hurt that makes that kind of thing unhealthy? Where do I need to fix my shit?
I asked myself the all the questions and this was my answer:
There is more….
There is less….
There is more power in knowing someone is lying, than when you are trusting that they are telling you the truth.
There is less pain in already knowing someone is not going to love you, than believing they love you…. only to find out they never really did.
There is more comfort in knowing you will never be the one someone wants, than in continuing to try to earn someone’s love, only to fall short every single time.
There is less anxiety about making someone happy, that doesn’t really value your company to begin with, than there is in worrying if you are making someone happy that says they require that of you!
There is more freedom in knowing someone is eventually going to walk away, than in trusting they will never leave you!
There is less fear in never really knowing someone, than in thinking you know someone….
Only to find out you never knew them at all.
There is more safety in knowing someone will not value your heart, than in them vowing to protect it, and destroying it piece by piece.
There is less risk in telling your secrets to someone who isn’t listening, than in telling someone who uses those secrets against you.
There is more ease in being authentic with someone who doesn’t care to know you, than in trying to be someone’s everything at the expense of your own truth.
There is less stress in the wondering if they do…..knowing they don’t, than in thinking they do only to find out they can’t.
There is more peace in knowing it isn’t real, than in building a world around a fairytale.
There are less tears in knowing that heartbreak is coming, than in believing they will never break your heart.
There is more peace in having nothing to fight for, than always holding your breath waiting for the fight!
There is less doubt in your worth, already knowing someone does not value you, than in thinking they value you, only for them to make you start to question your own worth.
There is more space for me in a place I am
Not really wanted, than in a space I keep trying to make room for myself in.
There is less failure in ruining a relationship that was never built to last, than ruining a relationship that was supposed to last till death do us part.
There is more…..
There is less…..
This is toxic behavior. This is running away from things that make you vulnerable. This is saying, you will never find healthy so just keep choosing unhealthy because it feels better when it all goes to shit. This has to be healed. I have learned to trust that what is mine is mine, and that just showing up as me will never be the wrong choice. If I can operate from that place always, then no one that cannot vibe there will stay in my life, and I will, with gratitude and love, release them to go share that beautiful energy with someone else. I will no longer chase…I will align. That will heal that lack of boundaries within loving the feral man. If they leave, let them go. There is no need to chase what is yours! If it does not return, it was not yours to begin with. This is why I think it is important to do things for your own fulfillment. Sex! Love! Gifts! Time! Attention! Give it from a place of soul fulfillment, not a place of wanting to earn someone’s love. Then no resentment can be formed, and you can release with love and not anger. If they do not receive you, then they are not for you…. release so what IS for you can come in.
"It doesn't take time....it takes alignment!" - Abraham Hicks
I will also no longer wait for others to deem me as worthy. Nothing that is for me will ever be against me….and nothing is against me. I spent half my life in a relationship that was a lie. He didn’t love me, and if he did it was with the intentions of making me who he wanted me to be, so I was easier to love. Because I am a feral woman, and in order to tame that you must control it. How do you control it? You make sure they believe everything you say. So, you start by telling them how amazing they are, and then you just keep changing the dialog. Until you are now telling them they are no good, they are failing, they need to do more, and they believe that as much as they believed you thought they were amazing. I am not doing that shit again. I want to be left feral. I will choose you every time, but I will not look to someone else to feed me. I will never look outside of myself for that crazy kind of love that makes you feel like you are the greatest thing to walk the earth…. I will just tell myself that I am, and I will believe it because it is the most truest of my truths to be spoken!!!
To some the answer is as simple as “Stop chasing those kinds of men.” But I did that when I married Leo and it did not feel right. I think the answer is understanding that in chasing that kind of energy, you must show up authentic and allow them to show up the same way. Do not try to change them, let them choose and if they do not choose you, release with love. Knowing that, that which is yours is still seeking you. Knowing that the time you cared for them was not a loss, it was a blessing to love them. I love filling others up, it feels good. There is no loss….it is a win, win. You got to love them, they got to feel your love and now someone else gets to feel their love. It is beautiful really. Like a catch and release….haha then one day, someone chooses you, even when they didn’t “have” to and even though you are a wild feral woman. They see the things in you that everyone else wishes they could tame and that is what makes them love you. They get to see that because you show up as you, not as who you think they want. They are in returned loved as who they show us as, and they can be free to be that.
Sounds beautiful! It is coming, I declare it in my life and if you are paying any attention, if I want it…if I can feel it, it will be mine. “Make what you want, want you too!” – Staci
