I have to disagree. Age is so much more than a number. It is a story. Each day a new adventure, each moment a chance to do something spectacular in your life, and the lives of those around us. Now, do not get me wrong, getting old sucks, and if there was a fountain of youth somewhere I would be drinking from it. But I have to say, truthfully, I am enjoying this “getting old” thing much more than I thought I would. I guess because I do not see myself as “old” but instead “seasoned” (ha-ha)!
"A joyful Spirit is always young!"
I see aging as a really beautiful journey that continues to unfold each day as something better than the next. I see it as an ever changing story that I get to live. Every day I wake up and see the “age” but I also see the women, and she really has lived such a beautiful life. I have been to the most beautiful places, and with some of my favorite people. I have met people from all walks of life and have loved them all. I have journeyed from a scared and unsure little girl, into a courageous women. To say I am proud of this story is an understatement. I can go back into my life and pick the things out that changed me as a person. They shaped and sculpted me. Not all of them are good moments, in fact, most of those moments came in a time of turmoil and fear. Each a huge fork in the road, a decision made that will shape each next moment.
This is the age where I can remember it start to get hard for me…..just a baby! I am probably about ten. I look at this picture and want to just slip her a little note that says “Girl, buckle up…..it’s about to be a wild ride…..a wild, and wonderful ride.” I don’t think I would tell her any details, just a little note to reassure her that, there are great things up ahead. I would just want her to know that even in her moments where life seems overwhelming and scary….that it is all worth it. It will shape your beautiful mind, and through these moments you will become more and more of everything you were always supposed to be. Filled with peace and love for life. Because each of those moments teach us the value in life, and each one will help us to connect more authentically to our higher self…..in some of the hardest moments, we grow the most. I would just want her to know…..it is all worth it.
"I have traveled through madness to find me!" - Danny Alexander
Have you ever pondered going back? To a moment in time and changing your choice? Have you wondered what it would be like if you had made a different choice? What if you could go back….would you try to make a different choice? I ask myself these kind of questions all the time. I can go back to different moments where life changed me, and I can see where a different choice would have probably given me a much better (or at least a different) outcome. I mean, that is most people I imagine. We look back and think “Man, what a stupid choice I made! Look at it now, all fucked up!” We wonder “what if”……I really do challenge myself not to do this! It really isn’t a healthy way of looking at life. Reliving the “bad choices” and wishing you could go back and make it “better”.
I challenge myself instead to look at it as the exact wrong choice. I try to remind myself that each and every moment we make a choice to do one thing, it sets into motion the rest of the sequence. So, although I can see some of my larger fuck ups…lol it is also the little choices I make each day that lead to a sequence of events, and those also impact my life. At almost 44 years old, I have learned that each one of my choices effect the outcome of my life. So when I do wake up some mornings, and see my “age” I remind myself of everything this “old” lady has overcome. I challenge myself to do everything today that makes getting up tomorrow look like my next adventure. I make each of those choices from a place of love….for self and for others.
I think one of the best parts of “aging” is getting to this sacred place of not giving a shit! Like a serious “I do not GIVE A SHIT!” place. I hate to admit how long it took me to get to this place in my life but now that I am here, it feels so good. But I do want to clarify something very important….I do not care what you think about me. I do not care if you think I am too loud, too skinny, too vulgar…..shit, the list goes on and on. Forty put me in this space of self-love, and it has been the most liberating thing I have ever experienced. I really do not care if you agree with me, or my choices. I do not care if you like my gray hair or if you think it makes me look old. I do not care if you think I am annoying and I sure as hell could give two shits about your opinion on my life. I say this from a place of being very comfortable (finally) in my own skin. I see who I am, I see what I give, and most importantly, I see where I fail. So, your opinion and perception is of no importance to my reality. I create my reality and I would say in all honesty, if I am a part of your life…..you are a lucky person! I will love you fully…..you are also a brave person if I am in your life, because I will drive you insane! Lol
"Remind yourself that you cannot fail at being yourself!"
I give fully of myself to those I love….and I love everyone! This is a beautiful part of my charm, it is also a downfall. Because most of my life, loving others that deeply and loving so many people that deeply lead to me giving away pieces of myself to people that did not deserve it. I would give them my pieces and they would twist them up and break off little edges before giving it back to me. I would then look at this part of myself and wonder why they didn’t see it as important? Why didn’t they see its beauty? THEN, I would tell myself if they could not see the beauty….there must not be any there. I would then remind myself of my unworthiness over and over again until I could not see myself as worthy of even the simplest of loves. When I turned forty, all that started to change and I was able to separate the two things. I could still give them my pieces….love that fully and that many, but I had to be able to do that without the expectation of a returned investment. In other words, if they do not love you that deeply back, that does not change the value of what you gave.
In that journey, of self-discovery, I learned that I could believe all the things about myself that I wanted and not one other person needed to see that as beautiful for it to BE BEAUTIFUL! Because I get to decide if it is beautiful or not. I get to look inward and see the things that shine, and polish the things that need some TLC. It is my choice what I attach to myself. So…..when I say I do not give a shit what you think, trust that!
I do not care from a place of this: Your opinion of me is none of my business. Your opinion of me is based on your own perspective of life and I will never change that. If you want to share your perspective with me, I will listen with respect and love, but it does not make one of us “right” or “wrong”….just different. You are the only one that change your perspective and me mine. I can say all of this very confidently because I also do the hard work of going inward and trying to operate from a space of not caring what you think, but wanting to understand why you feel what you feel and being willing to open my mind to new views and ideas, and VERY much caring how I make others feel!!! I will ALWAYS care how you feel. I think it is engraved into my soul….caring about how I make others feel. It is the very reason for this blog. Sharing my story and my thoughts, in the hopes that it makes you feel something. Maybe it makes you think about how you can see things within yourself that sparks love and joy inside of you again! I want to help others feel again! Feel the good, and the bad. Feel the things that make you want to live this life to the fullest. I love feeling life. I feel things deeply, and it has taken me a lot of “aging” to get to a place where I understand this as a perfectly good way of being. I use to want to numb my feelings…..I think most people do these days. The feelings are hard, they can feel overwhelming and scary, but they are needed. In order to really feel the beautiful things, you have to also feel the pain. Without the dark, there cannot be light. Feel it….and heal it. Then feel it again from a place of being healed….it hits differently each time you heal. It is beautiful and I wouldn’t want to be anything different. I also would never want to make others feel badly, so I try to be very open to examining my own faults, and my own insecurities. I am very open about my struggles, because I know how those struggles feel…and I want anyone else that feels that way to know, they are not alone. I also want them (like my little ten year old self) to know that it is all worth it. You just gotta dig into yourself and fine everything you need to be love. Live love, feel love….love is always the answer!
Age is not just a number, it is an experience that takes us on the most epic adventure. It is a time traveler…..weaving itself into our music, and into the snapshots of our life. It comes around in the smells around us. Every morning I step outside on a hot, humid morning I am transported back to my days with my dad. There were not a lot of them, so the ones that hold a speck of joy, I cling to. The smell of the air….it takes me back to going to work with him. He was a carpet layer….I would go to work with him when I visited and he would let me vacuum the new carpet. My time traveler takes me back in an instant….dancing with my mom to Kid Rock and Cheryl Crow’s “Picture”, we played that song at least fifty times in a row. We just danced and sang. The magic of my time traveling friend as I look at the pictures of a life with Leo and all the memories we will share….forever! We created such a fun life, and we are aiming to do that as we continue forward, so my time traveler can take me into the future too. A future filled with laughter and love. Respect and compassion. My time traveler is always wearing shades, because my future is so bright. I see it…..I see it in everywhere I have been. I see my future in everything I have overcome in the past. I see what my future looks like because I see what my past was.
Aging is a gift, we all know this….to age means you woke up. To get older means you lived! I challenge myself every day to remember what a gift it is to live. To be able to make this life simple, and joy filled. I am blessed to be a part of this crazy ride, although I should have installed some seat belts because these loopy loops are killing me. The curses that flow from my lips….vulgar, I tell ya lol
I feel young, I feel filled with imagination and love. I feel each small moment, and I tell others what I think. I tell them I love them, even if I do not really “know” them…because we all deserve love, or better yet….none of us “deserve” it. So, I give it freely. I talk about my crazy thoughts and I watch people wonder if I have lost it….maybe I have. I have FINALLY lost it!!! The doubts, and the fear. I have lost the voice that says somehow what I feel is not important….I have lost the fear of speaking my truth for fear of being “weird”. I feel so alive, and I haven’t felt like that in a long ass time! I do believe that getting old is a gift, and one that travels through time with you. Each moment shaping your next and creating one hell of a story! I think my story is going to have one hell of a happy ending…..and it promises to be a page turner!
"Logic will get you from A to B, imagination will take you everywhere - Albert Einstein
Comments