GOD? Are you still there?

I have always thought of God as this old, gentle man with a flowing gray beard. Picture Dumbledore.......

....but in doing this I understood early on in my young adult life that I was projecting a lot of my "daddy issues" onto God. I know as a young child, while attending a private Christian school I learned a lot about God and the Bible. I learned the Ten Commandments and did my confirmation. I was baptized and was called a child of his. He was my "father". He was separate of me.....a father that looked lovingly on me UNLESS I sinned. Then he was mad at me and he more than likely loved me less. I was not who I was "supposed " to be and so his love for me (in my eyes) was withheld, until I was worthy.

As I got older and I started down the path of depression and addiction, I knew that God had left me. I knew he had looked upon me and he had cried. He saw a shell of who I was suppose to be, someone looking for love in everyone and everything. She had fun, but she did not feel joy. Within every emotion was self doubt and self loathing for who I was....how could a God like him love such a loser like me. How could he see all my mistakes (ones I have never talked about to anyone) and still love me? There was no way that a man like that could love me. He could see all the corners of my soul, the dark places and the secret nooks that I hid away the things that hurt the most. He saw it all.....and I knew he was disappointed in me. I had failed him, and he left.

I spiraled out of control for a good ten years before I realized my life was not headed anywhere good. My marriage was failing and all we did was fight. I remember asking God if he was anywhere close. I remember thinking.....he is going to tell you what your dad told Leo "She is not my family anymore....sorry." He isn't going to answer, he is probably screening his phone calls JUST to avoid talking to you. Look at you, you are a mess. Why in the world would he answer your call? But he did....first ring, and he said "I have been waiting for your call. So sorry we got disconnected but wait until you see what I have been preparing for you!" Guys, it was the most beautiful life. He helped me get sober and he helped me start healing from those things that I packed away in my dark spaces. He laid out for me some of the most amazing people to guild me. He put me in places I was needed and he build my confidence. He gifted me two of the most amazing children you will ever meet. He was busy laying before the most amazing life. He had never left.....he was just waiting for me to catch up.

It isn't hard to look back and see right where it went off the rails again....I felt God with me through all the great moments, but what was even better...this new relationship had me feeling him in the bad moments too. I felt him with me, he would wrap me up and he would remind me that he was preparing amazing things, but that pain is part of growth. And I felt him, and I believed him. The day it went wrong......I got sick. At first I still let God wrap me up, I let me whisper to me the promises of what was to come but the longer I was sick....the harder it was to believe him. I couldn't live this life he had prepared for me anymore. I couldn't keep up and I was failing my family. The volunteering was harder, the trips and the playgroups were really something I had always looked forward to and now I knew, afterwards I would pay for it. I started to ask the question we all ask....why?

He never did answer me, he just keep saying he was with me. He was preparing beautiful things for me.....but I grew bitter. It seemed this father had done the same as my real father, promised me all these beautiful moments, this beautiful life, and then he took it back. He said "Oops....my mistake.....you don't deserve this."I could not understand for the life of me why I deserved to be in so much pain all the time. Why were the things I loved the most becoming so hard to do. The things I once found such blessings in now were feeling like a chore. I found myself bludgeoning through each day just wishing for it to be over. I cried myself to sleep most nights from pain and exhaustion. I was angry that I was wearing thin. I could feel the darkness starting to creep back in and I knew the only reason I was still here was my children. They needed their mommy, but if I was to die in my sleep I would not complain. I was alone again.....God had left. He grew tired of my complaining and my never feeling filled up and he left......he stopped whispering to me and he left.

Then that day came....on the floor of the hallway. I asked him again "Why?" except this time I listened to him answer and in his answer I found the strength to get up off that floor and learn to find the love I have searched for in everyone else.....within myself. While trying to fully understand what that is and what that feels like, I found GOD.....he was WITHIN me the whole time. He IS me and I am him. He is the trees and the ocean, he is the stars and the sun. He is in my children and he is in my family. He IS!!! GOD IS!!!! When I truly learned this relationship that lives within me, that is me.....my life changed. I am never alone now, and I understand that God never left me, I just stopped looking for him. He is in me, he is never not with me. He goes ahead of me and he walks with me. He sings when I sing and he cries when I cry. He feels my pain with me, and he helps me heal when my old wounds are tore open. He is not my father but he is in my father too.....he is working magic in each of us, through gratitude and love. Trough compassion and empathy.

I do not ask "why?" anymore......I only ask how, and most of the time the answer is the same "Through me! I am preparing amazing things for you!" and I fully believe him! When I think of God as a person now, I see a very young man. He is dressed in a stylish suit with a tie. He is waiting on a pile of rocks as I round the corner. His smile is so bright as our eyes meet. He jumps us, excited and he says: